Gratitude is a complex emotion that I chose to bypass this year. Perhaps I embody the stereotype of the “ugly American,” or maybe I share the sense of entitlement often attributed to today’s youth. It could also stem from the fact that there are already many thoughtful discussions surrounding gratitude, covering various perspectives.
For instance, my friend Jace eloquently explores how to appreciate the difficult moments in life. Meanwhile, another friend, Leah, shares insights on finding thankfulness even amidst heartache in her piece titled, “I’ll Never Be Satisfied? Here Are the Reasons You’re Wrong.” With so many voices addressing this theme, I felt no impetus to contribute my own thoughts. Instead, I felt a personal need to reflect on gratitude without the pressure to articulate it.
Rediscovering Lost Memories
This holiday season, as we unearthed our Christmas decorations, I stumbled upon an ornament I thought was lost forever. Despite my initial excitement, I found myself feeling less than grateful. The ornament features an angel and holds dates that bring me deep discomfort. I didn’t realize my partner harbored a similar disdain for it; he often hides it away as soon as it surfaces, while I yearn to find it each year to remember.
In the past, my eldest daughter has questioned why there is such a significant gap between her and her younger sister. To her, the second child is not merely a baby number two but rather a part of a larger family story—one that includes our six children. Years ago, I tried to explain the absence of her siblings who are no longer with us, waiting for us in heaven. But as I held the ornament this year, I realized I had overlooked one of those precious memories.
Confronting Forgotten Losses
The ornament bore four dates—a stark reminder of those we lost. I was struck by how a mother could forget her own children. I had previously told my daughter about three siblings between her and her sister, but the ornament revealed a fourth. The year 2008 was particularly painful, as we faced the loss of two babies within a month of Thanksgiving. I recall the hope we held when we learned one had normal chromosomes, despite the heartbreaking reality that she was not meant to come home with us. Each date on that ornament is a testament to lives that mattered deeply to us.
As tears welled in my eyes, my oldest wrapped her arms around me in a comforting embrace, expressing her sympathy. I explained that I never intended to forget. We had longed for each child just as fiercely as we did for her and her sister. She held me tighter, and in that moment, I felt the weight of our shared grief.
Finding Gratitude in Perspective
While I am not grateful for the pain of loss, I am thankful for the new perspective it brings. Our youngest is about to celebrate her birthday in November—a joyful occasion that symbolizes hope after so much heartache. Following her birth, we decided not to pursue more children, ending the cycle of uncertainty and anxiety that had defined our journey. Her very existence allows us to embrace life, overshadowing the sorrow that once loomed so heavily.
We do not forget our other children; they remain in our hearts as a part of our family story. As my partner wisely said, “They are already in heaven. The ones who matter most are here with us.” This understanding fills me with gratitude.
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Summary
In this reflection, I grapple with feelings of ungratefulness and the emotional complexities surrounding loss and gratitude. Rediscovering a forgotten ornament leads me to confront the reality of my family’s past, uncovering deeper insights about gratitude amidst grief. Understanding the presence of joy in our lives allows for a renewed perspective, even while honoring the memory of those we lost.