By: Jenna Brooks
Updated: Dec. 10, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 7, 2017
The ambiance is set; the lighting is dimmed. The children are peacefully asleep in their own rooms. At long last, my partner and I find ourselves with a rare opportunity to reconnect, a moment that can only mean one thing: it’s time for intimacy. And by intimacy, I mean the kind of connection that often feels elusive due to our little ones being expert distractions.
My partner is entirely on board, of course. It’s astonishing how he seems perpetually ready for action, as if a slight breeze could prompt a reaction (pun intended). Whether I’m in my comfiest sweats or haven’t showered in days, he remains unfazed. Yet, while I understand the importance of seizing this moment, transitioning from “Mom Mode” to a more sensual mindset proves to be a significant challenge for me. After spending most of my day juggling parenting responsibilities, it’s not easy to flip the switch and embrace my once-flourishing sensuality.
Back in the day, I was unencumbered by the weight of parental concerns—ranging from essential appointments (pediatric check-ups, dental visits) to the trivial (is my child developing at a standard pace, or will he be living in our basement at thirty? The pressure is unreal!). My ability to seamlessly transition into a passionate persona has diminished. I find myself envious of my partner’s effortless readiness. His enthusiasm seems as spontaneous as a cheerleader’s spring into action, while my own desire feels stifled, often overshadowed by the mundane worries of daily life.
Thoughts of laundry and school activities creep into my mind, filling the space where passion should reside. Did I remember to wash my child’s basketball jersey? What about the upcoming Scout meeting? Can I manage both events? Perhaps if I prepare dinner in the slow cooker. What can I make without another trip to the grocery store? Did I save that new recipe I stumbled upon? Ugh, an Instant Pot would save me a lot of hassle.
I firmly instruct myself to think sexy thoughts, but the inner voice sounds suspiciously like the one I use to remind my kids to complete their homework. Despite my attempts, my mind defaults to practical concerns: “That sounds enticing, but shouldn’t we consider what to do with the chicken in the freezer?” It feels like I’m trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, worried that if I let my mind wander, I might revert back to my carefree self and neglect my responsibilities as a mother.
I’ve sought advice online and attempted various strategies. Experts recommend setting aside time for affection, cuddling, and kissing—but how can one increase foreplay when the duration of uninterrupted time is uncertain? Every moment of intimacy becomes exhausting as I constantly redirect my thoughts, like trying to herd cats.
The suggestion to schedule intimacy is appealing in theory, but in practice, it just adds another item to my already overwhelming to-do list. Plans, as many parents know, often fall apart. Practicing mindfulness and focusing on physical sensations quickly shifts to thoughts about my body: why do I have these stretch marks now? And just like that, I’m reminded of the upcoming birthday and the need to bake cupcakes for school—oh, and the PTA bake sale is next week!
While it sounds lovely to leave the dishes in the sink and take a bath, I know that will only lead to an onslaught of intrusive thoughts about the mess waiting for me. I find myself caught in a never-ending loop.
Despite these challenges, I know I need to keep trying. I miss the pre-parental me—the one who didn’t wonder mid-intimacy whether we have enough milk at home. The version of myself that could relish my partner’s touch without being distracted by household bills. I’m bound to discover strategies that work for me, even if it means identifying what doesn’t.
For now, I will ease the pressure I place on myself to be instantly receptive. That expectation is unrealistic in my current life stage, and it’s clear that it doesn’t serve our relationship well. While I could manage that kind of spontaneity before, life is different now, and it’s natural for my responses to adapt. There are many ways to express my love for my partner that don’t involve sex.
I communicate my struggles to him, making it clear that my difficulty in switching between roles is not a reflection of my feelings for him. One day, when the kids are grown, I’ll have ample opportunities to greet him at the door with nothing but a smile. Hopefully, my body will be a bit more accommodating by then too.
For those interested in the journey of parenthood and intimacy, additional resources are available at Progyny and Make A Mom, both of which provide valuable insights into home insemination and parenting.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to navigate this journey, seeking balance between my responsibilities and my desire for connection.
Summary
Transitioning from “Mom Mode” to intimacy can be a complex challenge for many parents. With the mental load of parenting constantly weighing them down, finding that spark can feel overwhelming. By communicating openly with partners and allowing room for imperfection, parents can work towards rekindling intimacy in their relationship, even amidst everyday distractions.