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- Instead of Mandating Preschoolers to Apologize, Consider This Alternative
by Alex Turner
Dec. 8, 2023
The phrase “Say you’re sorry” may prompt children to utter an apology, but do they genuinely comprehend its significance? Imagine this: your preschooler is engaged in play with a peer, a disagreement arises over a toy, and your child reacts by pinching the other child, who then bursts into tears. What’s your instinctive response? For many, it’s to interject with “Say you’re sorry!” This reaction is understandable and socially accepted. However, children under five often lack the ability to grasp the concept of remorse, making it essential to use such moments as teaching opportunities.
As a former preschool educator and current early childhood development researcher, I have encountered this scenario countless times. Additionally, as a parent of a toddler, I face the daily temptation to compel him to apologize. However, I’ve discovered that moving beyond the simple directive to say sorry can create impactful teaching moments that help children, including my son, understand the meaning and importance of an apology.
So, how can we facilitate this understanding? Here’s a five-step approach:
Step 1: Connect at Their Level
Begin by lowering yourself to the child’s eye level. This fosters a sense of comfort and connection, making them more receptive to communication. When towering over them, children may feel chastised and withdraw; thus, adopting a smaller posture and speaking softly can alleviate this discomfort.
Step 2: Recognize the Other Person’s Feelings
Empathy is vital for grasping the essence of “I’m sorry.” Start by discussing emotions. For instance, you might say, “Oh no, look at his face. How does he seem to you? Does he look happy?” This opens the door to identifying emotions—sadness, fear, or hurt—that the other child may be experiencing.
Step 3: Analyze the Incident
Once the child identifies the other child’s feelings, delve into the reasons behind those emotions. Ask, “Why do you think he looks sad? What happened during play that could have led to this?” This encourages children to recognize that their actions have consequences that affect others.
Step 4: Encourage Perspective-Taking
Now that they understand the impact of their actions, invite them to consider how they would feel in that situation: “How would you feel if someone pinched you? Would you feel sad?” By personalizing the experience, the child is more likely to empathize with others.
Step 5: Prompt an Apology
Instead of coercing an apology, ask if they have something to say to the affected child. If they grasp the concept of an apology, they may independently choose to express remorse. If not, you can explain, “Sometimes when someone unintentionally hurts another, they say sorry to help the other person feel better and assure them it won’t happen again.” Relate this to the current situation and see if they wish to respond.
Moving forward, it’s beneficial to celebrate positive interactions when you observe them using words appropriately or sharing toys. It’s crucial to keep these conversations brief, ideally lasting one to two minutes, as longer discussions may lose their impact.
Transitioning to this method takes time and practice; it may even raise questions from other parents who wonder why you didn’t immediately enforce an apology. Nevertheless, with consistency, even young children can grasp the meaning of an apology and begin to modify their behavior. While revisiting these steps may feel repetitive, turning “I’m sorry” into a meaningful act can cultivate empathy and mindfulness in children, guiding them to avoid actions that necessitate an apology in the first place.
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Summary
Rather than forcing preschoolers to apologize, a more effective approach involves guiding them through understanding emotions, the consequences of their actions, and encouraging empathy. By employing a five-step method that promotes connection, emotional recognition, and perspective-taking, we can foster a deeper comprehension of apologies in young children, ultimately nurturing their ability to engage thoughtfully with their peers.