Introduction
To my dear children, I want to lay everything out clearly: our home often feels like a battleground these days. It’s true—I find myself navigating a constant struggle for balance with you all. As you grow older, your desire for independence often clashes with the limitations that I must impose for your safety.
The Tug of War
At ages approaching 14, 12, and 10, you’re all seeking freedoms that you may not yet be ready to manage. You pull for your desires, while I pull back with my expectations. It’s a classic game of tug o’ war. Unbeknownst to you, what you’re truly seeking are boundaries, and it’s my responsibility to establish those. You frequently request things that make me uneasy. For example, while I’m fine with you being home alone when I run errands, having friends or partners over without supervision is a hard “no” from me.
I’ve tried to explain my reasoning repeatedly. It’s simply too tempting to engage in questionable behavior without adult oversight, and once you step into that realm, the lines can easily blur. Sometimes, it’s necessary for parents to just say “No” without lengthy explanations. However, I see these moments as opportunities to teach valuable life lessons, guiding you toward making wiser choices.
The Reality of Teen Decision-Making
Having been a teenager myself, I understand that making sound decisions isn’t always your strong suit, and you love having fun. There’s certainly no angel among you! Thus, I set rules and occasionally adopt the role of the “mean mom.” The stakes are higher now; we’ve moved past the days of sneaking cookies or borrowing each other’s devices without permission. My vigilance regarding your activities is crucial.
Consequently, I often find myself dampening your spirits, leading to your frustration. Just the other day, one of you expressed your anger at me, and I retorted, “I don’t care if you’re mad at me.”
But here’s the truth: I do care—just not enough to compromise your safety.
What I Mean When I Say “I Don’t Care”
When I tell you that your anger doesn’t faze me, I’m really communicating that I won’t change my mind, despite how much it bothers me to see you upset. I possess greater life experience than you, and I understand that, as a young teen, I also believed I should be granted trust I hadn’t yet earned.
I know that what seems paramount to you right now was once everything to me, too. Although taking certain freedoms away feels unfair, I’d rather endure your anger than risk your safety or that of others. My love for you is profound, and I recognize that your frustration stems from a desire for more autonomy. One day, you will have that freedom, but today is not that day.
Expressing your displeasure and labeling me as unfair won’t sway my decisions. I won’t engage in arguments; I expect you to respond responsibly. While I wish for your happiness, I am not obligated to ensure it at all times. My primary role is to safeguard your well-being—do we understand each other?
You’re not yet prepared to delve into the complexities you’re eager to explore, and I’m here to serve as your life vest for a little while longer. I won’t worry about your embarrassment if others find out about our rules; my concern lies solely with you.
Gradual Independence
I will allow you small increments of freedom, but we must both be ready for it. If I were to permit you to engage in activities you think you’re prepared for and something disastrous occurs, we would face far more significant consequences than a few days of silence between us. My love for you is too strong to take that risk.
So, I’ll endure your resentment because it’s the lesser of two evils. I understand why you feel angry, and I care—just not enough to let you make choices you might later regret. I’ll accept the eye rolls and you retreating to your rooms as expressions of your frustration. This is a small price to pay compared to the potential dangers.
As mothers, we do care about our children’s feelings, but not to the extent that we sacrifice their safety or let them behave recklessly.
Summary
Navigating the complexities of parenting can often feel like a battlefield, especially as children seek independence. Establishing boundaries is essential, and sometimes, saying “no” can lead to anger. However, the intention behind these decisions is rooted in love and concern for safety. While children may feel frustrated, parents must remain steadfast, ensuring their well-being above all.