When it comes to my kids, they have a knack for teasing me about how all their peers seem to have more exciting lives, claiming they have “nothing.” Their favorite game seems to be “let’s see if we can convince Mom to give us this or buy us that by making her feel inadequate since we’re the only ones missing out.” Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but it feels true sometimes—especially in light of my divorce.
My children are still quite young, and I’ve heard that they’re not the only ones engaging in these comparisons. I suppose I should have anticipated that while navigating the divorce, they would juxtapose their life experiences with their dad against those with me. It was naive to think otherwise.
They spend several nights each week at their father’s condo, conveniently located about ten miles away, close to numerous kid-friendly attractions—McDonald’s, local malls, and a movie theater, plus gas stations with the best snacks. The area is pedestrian-friendly, with sidewalks and streetlights, and many of their friends reside nearby. Delivery food is an option, and yard work is nonexistent because the condo association takes care of everything. Instead of raking leaves in my yard, like they do at my place, they lounge on their dad’s sectional and immerse themselves in video games.
In contrast, I live in a small, rural town where sidewalks are few, and their friends are not within walking distance. We have a single blinking traffic light and no delivery services available. They can’t casually stroll to grab pizza with their friends, which makes life here seem pretty dull for them lately.
While this has been their home for years, they now have two residences, and I recognize that this transition is challenging for them. Initially, I thought it would be beneficial for them to stay in the familiar home they grew up in, but they now want me to sell it and move into a condo next to their father—because that’s where the fun lies. Forget about cherished memories of backyard sledding, bonfires, and family barbecues; it seems those experiences have lost their value to them in favor of takeout and hanging out with their friends.
I understand they are kids, and these desires are valid. However, I refuse to alter my parenting approach simply because they find their dad’s place more entertaining. Chores have always been part of their lives, and that won’t change just because their dad’s household operates differently. I recognize that their father, who doesn’t see them as frequently and works long hours, prioritizes quality time over chores, but I believe in maintaining balance.
I genuinely want my kids to enjoy their moments with their dad—mostly because it allows me some rare downtime to recharge or enjoy time with friends. But I refuse to let their fun times make me feel guilty or inadequate as a parent. Initially, I grappled with feelings of insecurity, but I eventually understood that it’s not a competition between their father and me; rather, it’s about co-parenting in the best way we can.
While I’ve often been labeled the “strict parent” for ensuring they complete homework and adhere to routines, I won’t compromise my values. I know this may come across as me being the “bad guy,” but I’ve always operated this way, and I see no reason to change now. Their father is doing his best, and so am I—ultimately, our children are not in charge of our parenting styles.
Once I came to this realization, I felt relieved. But I’d be lying if I said the idea of takeout and not having to manage yard work doesn’t sound incredibly appealing. Just don’t let my kids find out I said that.
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Summary
Navigating parenting post-divorce can be challenging, especially when children begin to compare their experiences with both parents. While one parent may be seen as more fun due to a different lifestyle and fewer chores, it’s crucial to remember that each parent brings unique value to their children’s lives. Maintaining a consistent parenting style can help balance these differences.