Sitting at the kitchen table of my then mother-in-law, I struggled to feed my son. At just nine months old, he had a distaste for carrots, something his grandmother found perplexing. After observing for a few moments, she rose and remarked, “I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for you. My children never had issues with sleep or eating. They simply did what they were told.” With that, she turned her back to me, busying herself with the dishes.
“Sounds like they were little robots. Where can I get one of those?” I retorted, my sarcasm only fueling her irritation. She began to recount how, despite having four children in quick succession, she handled everything at home while her husband worked. “He never changed a diaper or got up at night. That was my job,” she declared.
This was not new information; I had heard it frequently, and it was clear to me that her narrative was a thinly veiled critique of my parenting. She often dropped hints whenever I asked my husband, Tom, to help with our children. For context, Tom was always involved and supportive, willingly changing diapers and caring for the kids at night. The real issue lay in how his mother conducted herself throughout his upbringing.
Tom described his mother as someone who never challenged his father or voiced her own desires. She allowed him to dominate household decisions and avoided addressing any conflicts openly. This facade of constant harmony was misleading; life was not always idyllic, despite what Tom believed. He viewed his childhood as “perfect,” and desired the same illusion in our marriage.
When I voiced my perspectives or disagreed with him, it felt alien to Tom. He was accustomed to a submissive partner who, like his mother, would maintain a placid exterior regardless of internal turmoil. I, however, was not that person. My willingness to express discontent or assert my opinions was seen as a liability rather than a healthy dynamic. The contrasting views on partnership I held, shaped by my upbringing, clashed with his mother’s teachings.
Despite my attempts to explain the importance of open communication, Tom remained resistant. I often expressed my sympathy for his mother, believing she deserved a more equitable relationship. Unfortunately, he failed to see the detrimental effects of her submissive behavior, which instilled in him the notion that emotional repression was an acceptable coping mechanism.
When faced with our marital challenges, rather than addressing the issues directly, Tom chose to escape, ultimately leading to infidelity as a misguided attempt at self-soothing. Though he bore the responsibility for his actions, I found myself reflecting on his upbringing. My ex-mother-in-law had inadvertently taught him that it was preferable to avoid conflict rather than engage in honest discourse.
I resolved to nurture my children differently. I want my sons to understand that women are not inferior or passive; they should advocate for themselves and be treated as equals. I refuse to let my daughter witness me suppressing my feelings simply to avoid discomfort for a man.
The differences in our outlooks ultimately led to a mutual decision to separate. In a partnership, equality is paramount, a principle my ex-mother-in-law did not endorse, and consequently, neither did Tom. While this was not the sole reason for our divorce, I am committed to providing a healthier example for my children so they can foster healthier relationships in their lives. When we learn and grow, we pave the way for better futures.
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Summary: In this reflective piece, Emily Hart discusses how her ex-mother-in-law’s approach to marriage and motherhood influenced her own marriage to Tom, ultimately contributing to their divorce. She emphasizes the importance of equality in relationships and the intention to raise her children to understand women as equals. Through this journey, she recognizes the profound impact of upbringing on adult relationships and aims to set a positive example for her children.