“Say something, I’m giving up on you.” This poignant line from a song by A Great Big World has been resonating with me lately as I grapple with the disintegration of my marriage. After a brief but tumultuous separation, I had a flicker of hope when my husband seemed committed to addressing the issues that have steadily eroded our relationship. We even attended a session with his doctor together.
While I won’t delve into the specifics, it’s clear that, despite my imperfections, he is the one steering our relationship towards rocky shores. I find myself in survival mode, striving to protect both myself and our children. When I reach out to friends for support, certain well-intentioned comments can feel dismissive.
“You’re leaving a bad relationship to open the door for a good one.” This response, while meant to be uplifting, overlooks the profound heartbreak I am experiencing. I don’t want a new relationship; I want my husband to reclaim the man he once was, before struggles with substance abuse and untreated mental health issues began to take their toll. The future I envisioned included him, and now that dream feels shattered.
“You deserve so much better than him.” My immediate thought is, “No! I deserve for him to value our marriage enough to prevent this.” Why do comforting words often focus on a new partner waiting around the corner? Even my well-meaning grandfather once remarked that a woman never leaves a marriage without someone else lined up. But that’s not the case for me; I’m not pursuing another relationship.
The decision to divorce isn’t made lightly. It doesn’t stem from hatred; rather, it comes from love—a love so deep that the thought of leaving causes a pain I never anticipated. I often find myself apologizing to our newborn, and I try to hide my tears from my older kids, who wonder “where’s Daddy?”
Divorce is my attempt to safeguard my well-being and my children’s future. They deserve to witness healthy relationships. As divorced father Matt Sweetwood pointed out in a HuffPost article, maintaining a family in a hostile environment can cause more harm than good. Children should not have to witness their parents’ unhappiness.
“Have you tried [blank]?” Yes, I have. Too often, the person initiating the divorce faces questions as if the decision was made impulsively. My choice is the result of years of watching small issues grow into significant rifts. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my attempts to mend things. Ultimately, I cannot maintain a marriage when my partner is unwilling to contribute.
It feels like I’m tossing a lifebuoy to a drowning man who won’t reach for it. Am I supposed to jump in and drown as well? Please, hear my sorrow, my anger, and my frustration. Allow me to process my feelings without being interrogated about whether I’ve tried this or that. This is not a decision made overnight. Let me come to terms with the fact that the ball is no longer in my court.
To my dear friend or family member, I appreciate your concern. The situation is incredibly painful, and your desire to help means a lot. However, I need you to simply listen. Let me cry on your shoulder. Reassure me that things will eventually improve, and allow me to express my feelings without offering unsolicited advice. Just being present is all I truly need.
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In summary, when a friend is navigating the emotional maze of divorce, they need your empathy and support more than ever. Sometimes, just listening is the best form of help you can offer.