By: Taylor Brooks
Updated: August 26, 2023
Originally Published: December 30, 2017
For someone who isn’t currently engaging in sexual activity, I find myself contemplating it far more than I expected. It’s reminiscent of my teenage years, with my mind racing with thoughts of intimacy throughout the day. Yet, there’s a stark absence of any real desire to act on these thoughts. As a single mother, my life is consumed with various responsibilities, making it hard to envision sacrificing my precious “me time” for a fleeting encounter.
Despite my lack of interest in physical intimacy, the thoughts linger persistently. It’s as if two parts of my mind are at odds—one ardently craving “Sex!” and the other pragmatically suggesting, “Maybe later.” I can easily get lost in daydreams about an irresistibly attractive partner, exploring every fantasy without any intention of bringing it into reality. In my mind, I possess the youthful allure of perky breasts (not the reality of post-breastfeeding changes) and a flat stomach that I left behind years ago. My imagined partner is silent, but he dedicates blissful moments to pleasuring me. There’s no concern about cleanliness or clutter; my surroundings are pristine, devoid of distractions.
In these vivid fantasies, my hair shines, my legs are flawlessly smooth, and I have boundless energy. There are no dark circles under my eyes, and this nameless figure treats me like a goddess, expecting nothing in return. His only goal is to ensure my satisfaction. If such a man exists, I would welcome him with open arms, but for now, my imagination suffices.
The beauty of fantasizing about intimacy lies in its convenience; I can always find a babysitter for my child in my dreams. I am carefree and captivating, a stark contrast to my real-life self. Engaging in effortless conversation, I encounter this ideal partner without the arduous task of sifting through countless unsuitable candidates. He shares my values, accepts my quirks, and even offers to cook dinner while we enjoy cozy moments watching our favorite shows.
At this stage in my life, the thought of physical intimacy, while not inherently tied to love, is undeniably tempting. Once I experience it, I crave it more frequently. However, at nearly 32 years old and having never married, I am not inclined to settle for anything less than a meaningful connection. I refuse to waste my limited time on someone who only seeks a casual arrangement, especially when my past relationships have taught me the importance of commitment.
I’d rather invest my energy in my friendships and my child than in a fleeting fling. I am not interested in proving my worth to someone who views me as just another option. Unfortunately, the single mother label often comes with misconceptions that deter potential partners. Many men my age shy away, perceiving me as damaged goods.
While I would love to find a partner, my reluctance to actively seek one indicates that I may not be ready. If my desire for intimacy matched my fantasies, I would pursue it. It’s completely normal to indulge in sexual imagination without the necessity of acting on it. I can dream while engaged in mundane tasks like washing dishes or preparing dinner. Often, these daydreams surpass the reality of physical encounters.
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In summary, my current phase of life has led me to find solace in fantasy rather than reality when it comes to intimacy. The allure of imagined encounters allows me to explore my desires without the complications that real relationships often bring.