In recent discussions, I have come across numerous blog posts lamenting the plight of the “married-but-single mom.” These narratives often express the struggles of women who, having chosen to be stay-at-home mothers, are now burdened with the responsibilities of caregiving while their husbands work extensive hours. The complaints often center around the perceived lack of support from their partners, who may not engage in household chores or childcare, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration.
However, let’s be clear: if you are married, you cannot claim the title of a single mother. The terms “single” and “married” are fundamentally opposites, and it is impossible to be both simultaneously.
When Can One Truly Refer to Themselves as a Single Mom?
Only when they are raising children without a partner—an unequivocal definition. If your husband is absent five nights a week due to work commitments, or if he works nights while you handle daytime responsibilities, you are still not a single mom. If your husband neglects household tasks but is still part of your family structure, you are not a single mom. If your marital status is reflected in any aspect of your life, you are not a single mom.
I understand that the demands of parenting can be overwhelming, particularly when feeling like a caregiver without adequate support. Yes, the reality of motherhood is tough, and there are instances where husbands may resemble additional children rather than equal partners.
However, within this challenging dynamic lies a critical distinction: you have a partner. If you are a stay-at-home mom, you have someone contributing financially, providing emotional support, and sharing a living space—albeit sporadically. This presence is a significant factor that differentiates your experience from that of a true single mother.
While I empathize with those who feel overwhelmed, I believe it is essential to reserve the title of “single mom” for those who genuinely embody that experience. I have been through the journey of marriage and motherhood, working a conventional job while my husband held a demanding position with irregular hours. I once expressed sentiments of feeling like a single parent, not fully grasping what that entailed.
Now, as a divorced mother, I manage the responsibilities of raising my child primarily on my own, balancing work and caregiving without the support of a partner. This shift has provided me with a clearer understanding of the struggles faced by true single mothers, who often manage immense challenges without any shared responsibilities.
The Distinction Matters
It’s crucial to recognize that while we all face our own unique difficulties in parenting, the realities of marriage and single parenthood are distinct. I encourage everyone to appreciate the realities of both situations without conflating them.
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In summary, while the challenges of parenting can feel isolating, it’s important to accurately define your circumstances. Being married means you have a partner, however involved they may be, and this distinction matters when discussing the experiences of single mothers.