Every caregiver aspires to provide their children with the best possible upbringing. We dedicate countless hours to ensuring their happiness and success, from planning and saving to encouraging and protecting them. Naturally, we detest witnessing our kids face pain, struggle, or failure in any aspect of their lives. However, this protective instinct can unintentionally hinder their growth.
As a result of our efforts, we may have unintentionally raised a generation that lacks the experience of genuine failure. They miss out on critical lessons that come from falling short—such as resilience and the determination to rise again after a setback.
Often, our attempts to shield our children from disappointment stem from good intentions. We fear their unhappiness, worry about societal judgments regarding our parenting, and believe that stepping in during tough times is synonymous with support. We often reassure them that setbacks are rarely their fault, leading them to view failure as something shameful.
This mindset promotes the idea that any form of failure is unacceptable. Consequently, we see young adults in universities grappling with anxiety and depression, ill-equipped to face the challenges of real life. They are unprepared for the hard lessons that come with failure.
What Does It Mean to Allow Children to Experience Setbacks?
What does it mean to truly allow our children to experience significant setbacks? It means resisting the urge to intervene in moments of distress. For instance, if your child is overwhelmed with a major school project due the next day, resist the temptation to rush out for supplies. Similarly, avoid defending them when they receive disciplinary notes from school.
If they don’t make the sports team, the honor roll, or the lead role in a school play, refrain from demanding explanations from coaches or teachers. When they navigate social conflicts, let them work it out without your interference. If they miss crucial deadlines for school or jobs, allow them to face the consequences without stepping in to request extensions.
The Importance of Allowing Failure
Allowing children to experience failure is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. It goes against our instincts to protect, yet experts argue that it’s vital for fostering resilience. Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, emphasizes that teaching children to fear failure obstructs their path to success.
By showing our children that true success often follows repeated failures, we equip them with the tools to navigate life’s hurdles.
Further Reading and Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, allowing children to face challenges and experience failure is crucial for their development. It teaches resilience, encourages independence, and ultimately prepares them for the realities of life.