Updated: May 13, 2020
Originally Published: Jan. 5, 2018
When I recited my vows, I may not have been entirely truthful. My partner and I are quite distinct in our preferences and lifestyles. He enjoys the comforts of home, relishing quiet evenings filled with affordable dinners, renovating our living space, or binge-watching thought-provoking series. In stark contrast, I thrive on adventure, often overspending for the thrill of the moment, and only manage to watch through documentaries—particularly those about World War II, or sometimes Game of Thrones, True Detective, or The Office.
Our paths crossed through mutual friends, many of whom remain close (two of them stood by us at our wedding). Our first meeting was marked by a spirited debate about the Italian and Greek empires—an amusing, albeit likely inaccurate, foreshadowing of our dynamic. Initially, our relationship blossomed around shared interests: a mutual passion for social justice, American-made vehicles (go BUICK!), and our habit of playfully teasing each other.
However, when we began living together, the tone shifted. Our engaging discussions morphed into sharp exchanges over mundane matters like laundry left unattended for three days. What I’ve learned through these experiences is that marriage is essentially about choosing your battles. It involves recognizing your partner’s flaws, and deciding whether to dwell on them or appreciate the qualities that make them special.
Every day, we consciously choose marriage. This commitment continues until circumstances change, be it through separation or the end of life. My husband perceives my frustration as condescending, while I often find his reactions to be excessive. Neither of us is wrong; we simply react sensitively to each other’s habits. Ironically, the traits that irritate me now were once the very reasons I fell in love with him.
In 2012, I described him as fiercely loyal, willing to defend those he cares about under any circumstance. Fast forward to now, when I might characterize his loyalty as blind, suggesting he prioritizes others over his own principles. It’s curious how perspective can shift so dramatically. By the same token, he likely viewed me as ambitious and brilliant back then, but might now accuse me of manipulating discussions to expose weaknesses and undermine arguments.
Through it all, we can negotiate household chores and family responsibilities, but compromising on our core values is not an option. Those defining characteristics can either spell the end of a marriage or serve as its foundation. My love for my husband is unwavering; he has given me a joyful child, endless laughter, and a newfound confidence. Should we ever find ourselves at a point where we can’t tolerate each other for over six months, I trust we’ll maintain open lines of communication to navigate what’s best for us and our child.
Marriage is a daily commitment. While I did not explicitly state it on June 21, 2015, I vow to always prioritize my husband and strive to resolve our disagreements. I promise to put our son first and to ensure that my partner remains my cherished choice, rather than an obligation. He deserves to be the best part of my life, just as I do for him. If that ever changes, I will voice it, ensuring he is always a remarkable choice rather than a duty.
In retrospect, I may have misrepresented my vows.
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Summary:
Marriage is a daily commitment that requires conscious choices, balancing strengths and weaknesses, and maintaining open communication. Although initial perceptions may shift over time, the essence of love and partnership remains vital. The journey of marriage involves continuous dedication, prioritizing each other, and treating the relationship as a cherished choice rather than an obligation.