In the early months of my son’s life, I frequently encountered a question that left me both baffled and frustrated: “Are you his nanny?” This inquiry became a regular occurrence, appearing two to three times a week. As my son grew and learned to speak, the confusion among strangers only deepened when he referred to me as “Mommy.” Instead of questioning my role directly, they simply struggled to reconcile my identity as his mother.
To this day, we still receive those puzzled looks. Sometimes, I want to wave my hands in exasperation and declare, “Yes, I’m a Black woman, and yes, I’m his mother! He came from my body, and if you dare ask me if I’m the nanny again, I might just lose it.” While such a reaction would be understandable, I usually just nod and walk away, choosing not to appease their curiosity.
After four years of this, surprising encounters have become rare, yet the frustration is ever-present. This experience is not unique to me; many mothers of color with mixed-race children share similar stories. A few months back, a viral video showcased a father being interrupted by his young daughter during a live BBC interview, followed by an infant in a walker. The mother, visibly embarrassed, hurried to retrieve her children. Strikingly, many viewers labeled her as “the nanny” solely based on her Asian appearance, despite her being the children’s mother. The narrative shifted only after the truth was revealed, with some arguing that her demeanor contributed to the misunderstanding.
This situation highlights a troubling pattern. Women of color are often perceived as nannies until proven otherwise. For instance, when I’m out with my son, the initial assumption is that I’m merely the caregiver until I clarify, “No, he’s my child!”
A search for “mixed race family” on stock photo websites reveals that approximately 75% of the images depict a family with a father of color and a white mother. According to research from Essence magazine, Black men are twice as likely to engage in interracial relationships compared to Black women. Yet, many of my friends who are in such relationships are women of color. In 2023, it’s disheartening that the sight of a Black woman with a child who resembles their father prompts automatic assumptions of being a nanny.
It is both ignorant and disrespectful to question a stranger about their child’s parentage. I never imagined I’d need to voice this, yet here we are. The lack of representation of mothers of color with mixed kids leads to a trickle-down effect. On several occasions, children have asked me directly, “Why does your son look white?” My response is usually gentle, explaining that his father is white, and his appearance reflects that. This highlights a gap in understanding about diverse family structures.
As my son approaches school age, I dread the questions he will face from peers. I refuse to teach him to simply tolerate such inquiries. He should not have to justify his existence or identity while navigating life. As a Black mother with a fair-skinned child, I face unique challenges. While some might say he looks like me, he also shares his father’s features, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Many mixed-race children embody a blend of traits, straddling different appearances.
To assert that my experience as a Black mother differs significantly from that of a white mother with mixed children is not defensive or overly sensitive; it’s a reality. White mothers are seldom labeled as “nanny” at first glance or questioned about their children’s skin tone. While such inquiries can happen, the frequency and intensity differ markedly.
This isn’t the first time I’ve addressed this subject; the invalidation of women of color’s feelings and experiences is pervasive. Comments such as “Can’t you just be happy about your child?” or “Why do you care what others think?” undermine the essential question: Why do people feel entitled to pry into my life and my child’s identity? Compliments are welcome, but crossing into invasive territory about my son’s race or our relationship is unacceptable.
Acknowledging this frustrating phenomenon does not make me or other women of color overly sensitive. We are not obligated to brush aside ignorance or intrusive curiosity. I am not the nanny, and I owe no explanations.
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Summary
The experience of being a mother of color, particularly when raising a mixed-race child, is often met with assumptions and misunderstandings that can be frustrating. The societal tendency to label women of color as nannies perpetuates harmful stereotypes and highlights the need for greater representation and understanding of diverse family structures. Compliments are appreciated, but intrusive questions about parentage and identity cross a line that should not be tolerated.