Updated: June 14, 2021
Originally Published: January 13, 2018
After childbirth, the prospect of resuming sexual intimacy after a six-week hiatus can be daunting. You may be uncertain about what to anticipate, and your body image might not be at its best. Yes, your partner has likely seen you in various states of undress since the arrival of your child. My partner witnessed me wandering around with a breastfeeding pillow around my waist, a symbol of the chaotic early days of parenthood. However, everything feels different, and you feel different. Will things function as they once did?
I approached my first intimate encounter post-baby with trepidation. The short answer to those questions is, “Probably not.” Sex felt different, and so did I. The one constant? I was still pretending to have orgasms.
I grew up in an environment where discussions about sex were laced with negativity and shame. My only exposure to sexual experiences came from a static-filled Playboy channel on television. I watched those women on my screen and, during my adolescence, developed a simplistic view of sex as something quick and noisy. When I discovered masturbation, my initial attempt lasted only a moment before I concluded that something must be wrong with me. It took years before I tried again.
As I explored intimacy with my first high school boyfriend, I was disappointed to find that nothing seemed to work for me. During our first intimate encounter, I faked my first orgasm, unaware of what it truly felt like, and convinced I was incapable of experiencing one because I thought I took too long. It wasn’t until I spent an entire night alone, frustrated but determined, that I finally discovered what worked for me.
Did this revelation alter my sex life? Not at all. I remained incredibly uncomfortable discussing sex. The idea of giving direction or asking for what I needed filled me with dread. I didn’t want to come across as difficult or high-maintenance, even though I knew my partner would be supportive. I had internalized the message that women should be pleasant and accommodating throughout their lives.
In my early twenties, I met my husband, who proved to be attentive and thorough in our intimate life. However, I was still stuck in my old patterns. The first time I faked it with him, he seemed doubtful, but I insisted I had reached climax. I continued this charade, faking orgasms repeatedly until he finished. I would even nod and smile in response to his comments about how easily I seemed to achieve pleasure.
Instead of embracing the opportunity for mutual satisfaction, I reverted to my learned behavior, afraid to confront my discomfort or express my needs. I was too embarrassed to ask for more time or attention. The remnants of my childhood experiences with scrambled adult content lingered, influencing my perception of sex even as I grew older.
We often discuss issues like the wage gap and other areas where women struggle to advocate for themselves—whether it’s asking for raises, support with childcare, or even something as intimate as an orgasm. The discomfort in requesting what we deserve is not right.
The issue with beginning a relationship based on falsehoods is that those lies tend to expand and complicate matters over time. As relationships deepen, the opportunity to address these deceptions diminishes until it’s nearly impossible to revisit. I found myself entrenched in my marriage, with a mortgage, children, and a growing dissatisfaction with our intimate life. I longed for a chance to address my struggles without revisiting nearly a decade of untruths, a conversation I was even less inclined to have.
After the birth of our second child, I recognized my opportunity. That first sexual encounter post-baby? I was no longer filled with dread; instead, I felt hope. That might sound dramatic, but when you’ve been apprehensive about experiencing pleasure with someone you’ve loved for nearly ten years, the mere possibility of honesty is exhilarating. I understood that sex would feel different, and so did my husband. This realization allowed me to express my true feelings about intimacy—what was pleasurable and what wasn’t.
That night, for the first time, I experienced genuine intimacy. I refrained from faking sounds or rushing through the encounter. I communicated openly about what wasn’t working, and together, we explored solutions. I didn’t achieve orgasm on our first attempt—or even the next—but eventually, we discovered what worked for me. After half a lifetime of sexual experiences, I am finally starting to enjoy them.
The joy of having my needs met during intimacy far outweighs the initial awkwardness of asking for it. It’s an overwhelming realization that compels me to encourage other women to communicate their desires in the bedroom. I may not stop strangers on the street, but I’m sending out positive vibes for sexual fulfillment everywhere.
Don’t follow my past mistakes. Be honest, express your needs, and communicate with your partner about your desires in the bedroom.
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Summary:
This article explores the journey of a woman who struggled with faking orgasms throughout her sexual experiences until she embraced honesty and communication with her partner. After giving birth, she found the opportunity to express her needs, leading to a more fulfilling and genuine intimate life.