If you happen to drop by my house unannounced, brace yourself for a whirlwind of surprises—and perhaps a hint of chaos. I’m a parent to a spirited three-and-a-half-year-old, a six-month-old baby, and I also share my space with a rather exuberant 75-pound black lab.
For context, my partner, who is named Alex, usually doesn’t add to the pandemonium, so I’ll keep the focus on the kids and our furry friend.
Welcoming You In
When you ring the doorbell, you’ll likely be welcomed by yours truly, clad in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt—complete with baby spit-up stains. My hair will be hastily tied up in a top knot, and I won’t have a touch of makeup on. In one arm, I’ll be holding the baby, while with the other, I’ll be trying to restrain our barking lab. I’ll gesture for you to come in and cheerfully shout, “Come on in!” over the din of barking.
As you enter, I’ll face a dilemma: drop the baby or let go of the dog. Spoiler alert: the dog wins. He’ll bound toward you, offering excessive enthusiasm as I shout for him to settle down—clearly, he doesn’t heed my commands.
Dog Lovers Beware
If you have a fear of dogs, I recommend reconsidering your visit. At this point, I’ll find a relatively safe spot for the baby, then drag the lab outside, where he’ll bark for the next twenty minutes. After apologizing for his behavior, I’ll invite you to sit in the living room—just make sure not to accidentally sit on the baby!
As I pick the baby back up, he might regurgitate again due to his acid reflux. I’ll use my sweatshirt sleeve to wipe it away and take a seat, apologizing for the state of the house. You’ll probably nod in agreement, but I’ll see the truth in your eyes. If your home is immaculate and you don’t have little ones, well, welcome to my wild world.
The Living Room Experience
The living room will be a sight: toys strewn everywhere, shoes and socks scattered across the floor, a laundry basket that’s half-folded sitting on the coffee table, and a blanket with a play mat for the baby. Oh, and there will be a light sprinkling of dog hair as well.
At some point, my robot vacuum will glide by, likely with a random shoe or a dish perched on top. Thankfully, my three-year-old hasn’t yet attempted to place his baby brother on it.
Unexpected Guests
This is when my three-year-old will likely burst into the room, clad in nothing or only partially dressed. As we’re still navigating potty training, letting him roam naked seems to encourage successful bathroom trips. I’ll probably forget that this isn’t the norm and continue our conversation as if everything is perfectly fine.
When I offer you something to drink, I’ll candidly inform you that our options are limited to tap water, whole milk, expired coffee creamer, inexpensive beer, and a budget-friendly bottle of wine.
If you’re a delivery person, you might shoot me a puzzled glance before rushing off after signing. Don’t trip over the robot vacuum on your way out! Friends and family, however, will brush off the madness, settle in, and enjoy the cheap wine. For strangers trying to sell something, you might be taken aback by my hospitality—if you expect me to buy something, you’ll have to endure a spontaneous performance of “Jingle Bells” from my almost-naked child atop the coffee table.
Embracing the Chaos
Reflecting on this, I realize that twenty-five-year-old me would have been utterly shocked by this reality. Yet, here I am, embracing the unexpected joys of parenthood—not quite the dream I envisioned back then, but fulfilling nonetheless.
So, if you ever feel like stopping by, please do! I’m sharing this to prepare you for the delightful chaos that awaits. I’ll have a cheap bottle of wine ready for you!
Further Reading
For more insights on home insemination, check out this informative post on intracervical insemination. And if you’re curious about the tools for home insemination, Cryobaby has some great options. For those interested in pregnancy-related resources, the NHS offers comprehensive information.
Summary
An unexpected visit to my home promises a lively atmosphere filled with playful chaos, a friendly but overzealous dog, and the charming unpredictability of small children. Be ready for a warm welcome, a candid look at my lived-in space, and perhaps a glass of cheap wine.