Trigger warning: child loss
Today, I received a call from my sister seeking advice for a co-worker whose friend experienced the heart-wrenching loss of an infant due to stillbirth. My own journey of loss began when my daughter, Sophie, was born full-term but lived for only 29 hours. We were blindsided by this tragedy following what we believed was a healthy pregnancy.
After discussing with my husband and connecting with other parents who have faced similar losses, I compiled a list of actions that can truly support bereaved parents, as well as those that may inadvertently hurt them.
Avoid saying, “Let me know how I can help.”
Although the sentiment is appreciated, in the midst of overwhelming grief, it’s difficult for parents to articulate their needs. A friend of mine stepped in with a simple question: “What are you having for dinner tonight?” When I couldn’t respond, she offered to bring dinner over at 6 PM. This kind of proactive support is invaluable. If you’re heading to the store, ask, “Can I grab some milk, bread, or eggs for you?” Providing specific options makes it easier for grieving parents to accept help.
Practical assistance is essential.
Consider organizing a meal schedule for the first few weeks to ensure they are nourished. In the immediate aftermath of Sophie’s death, meal planning was beyond our capacity. Friends from various aspects of our lives coordinated to provide dinners for an entire month, which was a tremendous relief. If you do bring food, keep instructions as simple as possible, and include reminders for tasks that may seem obvious—like removing plastic wrap before cooking.
Remember the significance of each passing month.
For us, the 9th of each month is particularly poignant as it marks another month without Sophie. A close friend sends flowers on that date, and it has become a comforting ritual. If you can’t remember the date, set a recurring reminder on your phone to reach out, letting them know you’re thinking of them.
Make the home welcoming.
If you’re close to the family, consider preparing their home for their return from the hospital. Ask for a key, tidy up, and maybe place flowers around to brighten the space. A care package with essentials like postpartum supplies, snacks, and a funny movie can be a gentle reminder that they are still parents, even though their child is no longer with them.
Don’t forget about the father.
If your husband knows the grieving father, encourage him to reach out. Men often grieve differently and may need camaraderie and support from friends who understand their pain.
Acknowledge the loss directly.
If you’re unsure what to say, a simple “I’m sorry” is often the best response. Avoid platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason,” as these can feel dismissive. Instead, just let them know you’re there to listen if they wish to talk.
Be sensitive about the nursery.
Never pack up the nursery or dismantle the crib without first discussing it with the parents. While your intentions may be to help, these actions can feel like a painful reminder of their loss. Each family will handle this differently, and it’s essential to respect their wishes.
Feel free to ask about the baby.
It’s okay to inquire about their child and the circumstances surrounding the loss. This helps to normalize conversations about their baby rather than allowing it to become an unspoken subject.
If you’re pregnant, share your news privately.
Given the frequency of pregnancy announcements among peers, it’s considerate to inform close friends in person or via a phone call rather than through social media. I genuinely wish for your joy but may need time to process my feelings.
Be prepared for the journey of grief.
Grieving is a messy process. You may witness changed behaviors, such as forgetfulness or withdrawal. Sometimes, your presence is enough, even if it feels uncomfortable. Activities like breaking plates to release anger can be therapeutic, and I might take my friend up on that offer someday.
Acknowledge the loss in casual encounters.
If we cross paths and you’re aware of the loss, it can be awkward if you don’t acknowledge it. A simple expression of sympathy can go a long way in making me feel seen.
Speak my child’s name.
Hearing Sophie’s name brings comfort, even if it stirs emotions. It’s a reminder of her existence and my ongoing love for her.
For more insights on dealing with pregnancy-related grief, visit this blog post. If you’re seeking guidance on home insemination, Make a Mom is an excellent resource. Additionally, NICHD provides valuable information on pregnancy that can aid those navigating these complex emotions.
In summary, supporting a friend through the loss of an infant requires sensitivity, practical help, and a willingness to engage in difficult conversations. It’s about being present and validating their grief without imposing your own feelings.