Growing up in a classic small town, I cherished many aspects of that lifestyle — from farms and football to the abundance of churches. Despite moving away for college and finding love, I longed to return to my roots for my dream wedding.
As I walked down the aisle in that Southern Baptist Church, everything appeared perfect: my stunning white dress and my husband smiling at me. Yet, amid this blissful moment, an unexpected feeling crept in: shame.
In that sacred space, I was reminded of my upbringing in a church heavily influenced by what is now called the Purity Movement. As young girls, we were ushered into True Love Waits rallies before we even fully understood our bodies. I vividly recall a particular event where a speaker held a delicate pink rose, emphasizing its beauty and purity. As it passed through numerous hands, it wilted, losing its fragrance. In that moment, we learned that we, too, were like that rose — our worth tied to our perceived purity and the idea that it was something to be preserved for our future husbands.
The culmination of this movement was a bizarre ceremony where we received purity rings from our fathers, symbolizing a promise to remain sexually pure until marriage. Recalling that experience now fills me with nausea.
Having distanced myself from such toxic beliefs, I still identify as a Christian. I recognize the spiritual dimension of sexuality and the deep connection it fosters between two individuals. However, I firmly believe that the purity movement is a damaging, moralistic ideology that I refuse to pass on to my children.
Here are a few compelling reasons why:
1. Shame-Based Ideology
Teaching children that all sexual expression should be confined to marriage instills feelings of shame and confusion when their natural desires emerge. Adolescents will inevitably grapple with emotions and urges that contradict strict moral guidelines, leading to self-loathing. Our bodies react instinctively, and by shaming those natural desires, we teach children to resent themselves.
2. Toxic Patriarchal Standards
The rose analogy, which I can barely stomach, was never aimed at young men. The Purity Movement imposes different standards on boys and girls, suggesting that a woman’s purity is a gift for her husband while neglecting the notion of what men contribute. Discussions around modesty consistently reflect this hypocrisy, with strict dress codes for girls but leniency for boys.
3. Victim Blaming
I must share a painful truth: the person who introduced me to the purity movement was a family member who had sexually abused me. When purity is held in such high regard, it inadvertently shames victims of assault, implying that their worth is diminished. The focus becomes less about their experiences and more about the loss of purity, creating a heavy burden for survivors.
4. Ineffectiveness of Abstinence Education
Ultimately, promoting religious abstinence fails to delay sexual initiation among youth. A federally funded study revealed that participants in abstinence-only programs did not exhibit lower rates of sexual activity or partners. Instead, these teachings create a disconnect, leaving teens unprepared to navigate relationships, access resources, and understand sexual health.
So, what alternative path should faith-based parents consider? Open and honest dialogues with children about sexuality are crucial. I plan to have candid discussions with both of my children — one boy and one girl — addressing their bodily responses in sexual contexts. We will talk about the significance of mutual consent, the emotional implications of sexual relationships, and the importance of protection. I want them empowered with knowledge rather than caught off guard by unforeseen consequences.
I will ensure my daughter knows her worth is not defined by her sexual choices and that I am here to support her through her journey. While my faith shapes who I am, I will approach conversations about sexuality grounded in love and understanding, devoid of judgment or shame. No more purity rings; just open hearts and minds.
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In summary, the teachings of religious abstinence can lead to shame, confusion, and a lack of preparedness in young individuals. It is essential to foster open, honest conversations that empower children to understand their bodies, relationships, and self-worth without the burden of outdated ideologies.