The desire for a second child is a strong one, but I’ve made the difficult decision to start using birth control again. My partner and I have faced challenges with secondary infertility for the past couple of years. Two years is an extensive period to be caught in your thoughts, meticulously tracking cycles and ovulation, timing intimacy, and hoping for those two pink lines to appear. However, we have reached a breaking point.
Expressing the reasoning behind our decision to pause trying for another child is complex. I often hear comments like, “Maybe you’ll conceive when you stop stressing about it!” or “You just need to relax!” While these statements are well-intentioned, they feel like empty reassurances. I understand that many couples have found success after taking a step back, but that’s not my reality. I can’t simply turn off my yearning. We’ve been in a limbo of waiting, and it’s an emotionally draining space to occupy. The hope lingers, and with every cycle that ends in disappointment, we feel more shattered.
After much contemplation, I visited my doctor and, through tears, requested birth control. My longing for another baby is profound, yet my emotional investment has waned. My doctor proposed various medications, which briefly ignited a flicker of hope, but then she suggested consulting a fertility clinic and discussing IVF options. My hope flared again, but the reality is heavy. She expressed her wish that she could prescribe prenatal vitamins instead of contraceptives, and I share that sentiment. There may never be a moment when I fully accept how things have unfolded, but I recognize that birth control may be the best way forward.
Infertility has impacted me deeply, shaking my self-esteem and leaving me feeling betrayed by my own body. It has stolen my joy and created a weight on my heart that won’t lift. Yet, I also fear closing the door on the possibility of another child. I worry that years down the line, I might regret not trying harder or exploring every option. My daughter, who is asking for a sibling in her innocent way, could grow up feeling incomplete. We explain to her that families come in different shapes and sizes, but I wonder how this will truly affect her. She is our miracle and holds my heart.
The isolation of infertility is profound. I spent countless hours believing that no one could truly understand my experience. It’s particularly challenging because I am already a mother—people might think I should be content with what I have. Despite my fears, I am ready to transition from the feelings of helplessness associated with infertility. I want to focus on new dreams.
Moving on is easier said than done. I am still navigating acceptance, unsure if it’s entirely achievable, but I’m going to try. For me, letting go involves eliminating the possibility of pregnancy. I know this approach may not resonate with everyone, but as long as there’s hope for another baby, life will remain stagnant. The recurring thought that “maybe this month is the month” will keep me fixated. Birth control is necessary for my healing journey, though it’s going to be a tough pill to swallow—both literally and figuratively. It’s a struggle I despise.
I don’t have any advice to dispense. I’m taking it day by day, not seeking silver linings, as I don’t believe every challenge has a purpose. Life presents us with difficulties that can hurt and test our resilience. However, I’m learning to coexist with my emotions. Sharing such personal experiences isn’t easy for everyone; usually, it’s not for me either. Yet, I felt compelled to share my story because it resonates with so many, and I’m grateful for the incredible women who have supported me through this journey.
I encountered a quote by Alex Elle that struck a chord with me: “Acknowledge your pain. Let it surface and spill over. Give it permission to make an uncomfortable mess. Healing can happen this way and so can emotional freedom. Face it all. Free it, too.”
In conclusion, while the path has been fraught with challenges and heartache, I am hopeful for a future where I can embrace new dreams and possibilities.