It’s widely understood that new mothers receive an overwhelming amount of unsolicited advice; it seems to be part of the experience. But why is this a problem, and why should you refrain from sharing your well-meaning insights unless prompted? The answer lies in the concept of asymmetric information. This means that, in many situations, one party possesses more comprehensive knowledge than the other. In this case, parents generally have a deeper understanding of their own child and family dynamics than outsiders do. When you offer your opinion on parenting, you often lack critical context, which can lead to frustration for the mother. This holds true, whether you are a close friend, a relative, or even a grandparent.
Here are several key reasons why your lack of information can impact a mother negatively when you share unsolicited advice:
- Medical Guidance is Ever-Evolving
This is arguably the most crucial point. When my son was born, my partner and I chose a pediatrician we trust to provide us with reliable health information. Despite this, our baby struggled with significant crying spells, often late into the night. Our doctor offered practical suggestions, but ultimately, she made it clear that this is a common phase for many newborns. In contrast, older relatives insisted we were depriving our baby by not adding cereal to his bottle, unaware that current recommendations advise delaying solids until at least four months. Their outdated beliefs didn’t align with the latest medical guidelines, and they simply lacked the full perspective we had. - Moms are Often Hormonal and Exhausted
The journey through pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period is draining and filled with fluctuating hormones for new mothers. While these hormones help foster a bond with the baby, they can also destabilize emotions. Constantly being told what to do or facing passive-aggressive questions can be overwhelming for someone already stressed about caring for a new life. Each time my son cried, I felt a pang of worry. Outside opinions on what to do just added to the stress rather than alleviating it. The truth is, no one can fully understand the unique challenges each mother faces, even if they have been through it themselves. - Parenting Involves Trade-Offs
There isn’t a singular way to raise a child; every parent makes choices that suit their family’s needs. For instance, I have two friends with toddlers of similar ages. One couple follows a strict schedule, while the other is more flexible, allowing their child to sleep wherever, whenever. Both approaches yield healthy, happy kids. You cannot know the reasons behind another parent’s decisions or their private parenting choices, and thus, you shouldn’t offer advice on scheduling or routines. - Mothers Receive Conflicting Advice Constantly
What you might see as helpful guidance might be just one of many conflicting opinions that a mother has already received. She may hear various suggestions from different sources, leading to confusion and frustration. The combination of hormonal fluctuations and the absence of a definitive right answer can make this barrage of advice feel overwhelming. Continually offering your perspective without realizing this constant influx of information can lead to unnecessary stress. - It Can Be Self-Serving
This might be a hard pill to swallow, but unsolicited advice can often stem from a desire to feel involved in a new mother’s life rather than a genuine effort to help. Even if the intention is kind-hearted, the reality is that unwanted advice can feel burdensome. A true gift is one that uplifts rather than weighs down. If a mother needs advice, she will ask for it. If she doesn’t, then your input is likely unwelcome.
So, how can you genuinely support a new mother?
Simply ask! She will appreciate your willingness to help in a meaningful way. One thoughtful friend gifted me a book on baby sleep with a note that said, “This was really beneficial for us, but I know every baby is unique. Feel free to return it if it’s not helpful, and let me know how I can assist you.” This friend stands out as someone I trust, not because she assumed she knew my child better than I did, but because she respected my parenting journey.
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Summary
Unsolicited advice can overwhelm new mothers, who often have unique circumstances that outsiders may not fully understand. Instead of offering advice, it’s more beneficial to ask how you can help, allowing mothers to seek guidance on their own terms.