Updated: November 9, 2020
Originally Published: January 28, 2018
While driving home from work yesterday, a message from my partner, Alex, sent my heart racing. He was at home with our seven-month-old daughter, Mia, and texted, “How long until you’re back? We have an issue with the milk.”
Panic surged through me, and I immediately called him back, demanding to know what was wrong. After taking a bag of frozen breast milk from the freezer, he discovered it had an unpleasant odor once warmed up. He tried another bag, and then another, all of which yielded the same sour scent. I verified the problem upon returning home, tasting the milk to confirm its condition (yes, I tasted it—don’t judge).
The evening unfolded in a blur as I waited for additional bags to thaw overnight. My mind raced through various scenarios that could have led to this mishap. We hadn’t experienced any extended power outages, nor had I allowed the milk to spoil before freezing. Observing my distress, Alex asked if I was alright. I shrugged, struggling to articulate the whirlwind of emotions swirling within me. It dawned on me that I was grieving.
I was mourning the potential loss of approximately 500 ounces of breast milk—around 20 days’ worth—that I had carefully stored over the past six months. Admitting this felt almost trivial. Who grieves over milk?
Yet, my sorrow wasn’t solely about the milk itself. I could easily switch to formula if necessary; my concern lay in the countless hours spent pumping in a sterile, cold room at work, the nightly ritual of cleaning bottles and pump parts, and the investment in a chest freezer dedicated to storing the milk. I reflected on the physical toll my body had endured, the complications faced, and the personal sacrifices made, all to ensure my baby was nourished and content.
I consider myself “fortunate” to have an oversupply of milk, producing more than enough for my baby. Some mothers would envy this situation, and I recognize their struggles. However, having an oversupply comes with its challenges.
During one particularly taxing summer, after nights of waking up painfully engorged, I developed a clog in my left breast. Despite my efforts—massaging the area in the shower and utilizing various remedies—the issue persisted. I sought medical attention when the lump became warm and red, leading to a diagnosis of mastitis. Following further complications, I was ultimately treated for a staph abscess, all while nursing Mia. The emotional roller coaster was exhausting as I worried whether our breastfeeding journey would be jeopardized by these health issues.
My experience is not unique. Many of my friends with young children have shared similar stories of their breastfeeding challenges. One friend spends hours pumping at night to ensure her baby has enough milk for daycare. Another must adhere to a strict diet due to her baby’s food allergies. Still, others exclusively pump or face difficulties in nursing, despite their relentless efforts.
We navigate the myriad of tools and techniques available to us: nipple shields, nursing pillows, special pumps, and supportive communities. We bake lactation cookies and consume oatmeal daily, even when it becomes monotonous, all in hopes of boosting milk production. We endure the initial weeks of breastfeeding, when every feeding feels like a struggle. Every night, we rise multiple times, often while the rest of the household sleeps, driven by the instinctive need to nurture.
Despite the emotional weight of breastfeeding, I find solace in the connection it fosters between mother and child. After some investigation with the support of an online community, I discovered that high lipase levels in my milk could be the culprit of the unpleasant odor, a harmless condition as long as Mia continues to drink the milk.
The grief from that night still lingers, revealing how deeply invested I am in this breastfeeding journey. Each ounce of milk represents not just nourishment, but hours of dedication, sacrifice, and the profound bond that develops through nursing. I am grateful for the ability to breastfeed Mia, despite its challenges.
For all mothers facing the emotional weight of breastfeeding—whether dealing with oversupply, undersupply, or choosing not to nurse—I see you. Your efforts each day matter, and they will always be enough. For additional resources regarding pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource.
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Summary:
Breastfeeding can have a significant emotional impact on mothers, intertwining their feelings of grief, joy, and connection. The experience of producing and storing milk is often accompanied by challenges and sacrifices. Mothers navigating this journey often share their struggles, forming supportive communities. Despite the difficulties, the bond created through breastfeeding remains profound, illustrating the emotional complexities of motherhood.