As my daughter prepares for her second middle school dance next week, the adults around me engage in discussions that veer from nostalgic tales of the 80s to speculations about kids’ outfits, carpools, and the inevitable question: Do they actually dance?
“I wish the girls would just say yes to anyone who asks. It’s just a dance,” has become a familiar refrain. Numerous times, I’ve been urged to tell my daughter she should accept any dance invitation because “it’s just a dance.”
Absolutely not.
Let me be clear: My daughter has every right to decline invitations throughout the night. She does not owe your son a dance, regardless of his nerves, his character, or the simple fact that he asked.
Your focus is on shielding your son’s feelings for a single evening. My priority is ensuring my daughter is equipped to navigate a world where her safety is paramount.
Empowering the Right to Say No
I don’t believe your son poses a threat; that’s not the concern here. This is about teaching my daughter to trust her instincts and the importance of saying no before she finds herself in potentially harmful situations. This is about her asserting her right to decline unwanted advances, whether they come in the form of a dance request, an unwanted drink, or an uncomfortable situation. The conversations surrounding #MeToo and #TimesUp highlight a pressing reality: sexual harassment and assault are pervasive. Women are all too familiar with this.
Understanding Consent
I’m sure your son is a decent kid; mine is as well. Yet, it takes courage to ask someone to dance in middle school, and that should not compel my daughter to feel uneasy. The lessons surrounding consent begin on the dance floor, if not earlier. Every young boy must grasp that requesting a dance does not guarantee a response. The dynamics of asking and declining are two sides of a cultural coin. Instilling the belief that a girl must always agree to a dance can lead boys to expect affirmation, misinterpret a refusal, or even react with anger towards it. Conversely, teaching girls to conform and dance when they’d rather not undermines their ability to make independent choices. It conditions young women to prioritize a boy’s comfort over their own—an alarming precedent that can extend into dating and the workplace, where they may feel pressured to say yes for the sake of harmony or kindness. It’s just a dance, but instructing my daughter to acquiesce, against her wishes, sends the message that his desires are paramount to hers.
Instructing Our Sons
My son is set for his fourth middle school dance soon. He’ll be surrounded by friends, both girls and boys, and might even dance. He understands that the social landscape of the school gym differs for him compared to the girls. If a girl declines his invitation, he recognizes it’s her choice. He’s learning to respect “no” and grasp the concept of consent long before it becomes complex and intertwined with sexual relations.
So yes, your son is a great kid, and it is “just a dance.” Yet, that’s not enough. The concept of “just a dance” serves as a precursor to “just a drink,” “just a date,” and “just another kiss.” Recognizing consent begins with understanding the significance of “no” on the middle school dance floor. It’s imperative we educate our children on this matter.
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In summary, as we navigate these formative years, it’s crucial to instill the principles of consent and personal autonomy in our children, ensuring they understand both the importance of saying no and the respect owed to that decision.