Last night, as my ruggedly handsome partner nestled beside me and kissed me goodnight, I found myself in tears. It struck me that I needed to express my feelings because his reaction to my tearful confession was so surprising.
All I yearned for was the comfort of his embrace, yet I couldn’t contain my sobs. I wanted to be fully present in that tender moment, but my thoughts spiraled out of control.
Through my sniffling and crying, I managed to ask, “Do you think I’ve deceived you in some way?”
“What are you talking about?” he chuckled.
“Do you ever look at me, even inadvertently, and think this isn’t what you signed up for, feeling somewhat trapped?”
I had positioned myself at the edge of the bed, struggling to hold back the tears that I usually reserve for when I’m alone. I was trembling.
“Darling,” he responded gently, “I’m truly sorry you ever felt that way about yourself. I’m incredibly proud of you, and I’ve always felt nothing but gratitude for being your partner.”
“But I didn’t look like this when we married.”
“You were stunning then, and you are even more beautiful now.”
Honestly, I was at a loss for words. Over our nine years together, I’ve given birth to two children, moved through three houses, switched jobs four times, and gained over 100 pounds. Yes, you read that correctly.
In my mind, I would prefer to hide beneath the covers, avoiding physical closeness with him to spare him the discomfort of touching a body that I feel shame for daily. I convinced myself that by avoiding intimacy, I was protecting him from something unpleasant. However, I realized that this is my deep-seated pain. He is here for me, ready to offer love, and I must learn to accept his affection. I need to truly believe that he still finds me attractive, funny, and deserving of his love.
Your struggles may differ from mine, but I know many wonderful friends who wrestle with being vulnerable and open with their partners due to their own pain, creating walls that hinder intimacy. It’s essential to embrace real and genuine love, even amidst our brokenness.
Thank you, my incredible partner, for loving me through the distortions my mind creates. You are truly remarkable. I may not be whole yet, but I am on the path to healing. For more insights on navigating similar experiences, you can check out this excellent resource on intrauterine insemination at resolve.org.
In summary, love can thrive even in the face of personal struggles and insecurities. It’s vital to accept the affection of our partners, allowing ourselves to heal and grow.