By: Clara Thompson
Updated: November 6, 2020
Originally Published: February 5, 2018
Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, took a shower, and got ready to start the day. My husband, Mark, also rose, showered, and went to walk the dogs. After loading our children into the car, we dropped them off at daycare. We both worked throughout the day and later picked the kids up before heading home.
Upon arriving, Mark took our toddler downstairs to see the puppies—this was met with enthusiastic exclamations of “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!” from our excited little one. I took off my jacket and the baby’s, hung them up in the closet, and tidied up my shoes. This detail is important, I promise. After changing my clothes with the baby in tow, I returned and started clearing off the kitchen table clutter. Once I finished, I headed to the living room to play with the baby.
That’s when it began. Mark and the toddler returned from the basement, and Mark removed the toddler’s jacket and sneakers, placing them on the kitchen table. He then set off to the cupboard for a snack—yes, a snack for himself, not for our child. In that moment, I asked, “Could you help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As those words left my lips, I had a sudden realization. This was a recurring theme in our partnership: asking for help with tasks that should be shared. The thought raced through my mind: “Can you help me out and… put away the kid’s jacket? …get the baby a bottle? …rinse your plate? …take out the trash? …fold your laundry?” It became clear to me that I was using the wrong language. Mark isn’t merely assisting me; he is my partner and an adult in his own right. I vocalized my thoughts: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out. It’s just putting your kid’s things away.” He didn’t reply but proceeded to take care of it.
From that moment on, I vowed never to ask Mark for help with household tasks again—unless it was a matter of urgency, like dealing with a massive bug that seemed to have come straight from the depths of chaos. Here’s why:
1. It Undervalues His Role.
Mark is an adult and a capable partner. He shouldn’t be seen as merely a helper who needs direction. If something needs to be done and he hasn’t noticed, I can simply state what needs to happen. It’s not about me; it’s about maintaining a functioning household. When he asks me to grab a bottle for the baby, he doesn’t frame it as something he needs from me. I am not his assistant, and he is not mine.
2. It Shifts the Burden.
I do not bear the sole responsibility for keeping our home organized or ensuring our children are fed and clothed. By expressing it as “helping me out,” I inadvertently take on that entire burden. I have plenty of aspirations—like owning a luxurious boat or a laundry-folding machine—but assuming 100% responsibility for our family is not one of them. I want to share that equally.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids.
I don’t want my sons to believe that minor contributions, like putting the toilet seat down, earn them praise. I want them to understand that being a supportive partner is a normal expectation. They should take pride in contributing without seeking recognition for fulfilling basic responsibilities.
4. It Erodes Our Partnership.
Mark and I are equals in this relationship. We may not approach tasks in the same way, but what matters is our collaboration towards a happy family life (and a home that isn’t a disaster zone). I don’t want to direct Mark, nor do I want him to feel like his role is to simply assist me; he is a father and my partner. And let’s not forget, he’s also the designated bug exterminator.
So, the next time I find his clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days on end, instead of asking for help, I’ll simply tell him to get his belongings out of my space.
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In summary, recognizing and redefining our roles within the household not only enhances our partnership but also sets a positive example for our children, ensuring they grow up with a balanced understanding of shared responsibilities.