I find myself reflecting on the absence of my mother, a sentiment that often confuses me. Is it permissible for someone who distanced themselves from a loved one to still long for them, especially after they have passed? I believe it is. In fact, I experience this longing deeply. Even when she was alive, I felt her absence profoundly, not in the way a mother should be present, but rather as a shadow of her former self.
In those days, my nostalgia often came across as a whiny lament, where, if I could have articulated my feelings (which I couldn’t), you might have felt an urge to escape my complaints. I longed for her support, her wisdom, especially during overwhelming moments of motherhood when I was surrounded by laundry, postpartum weight, and the chaos of raising young children. I wished for her reassurance that life would improve, that she had found joy in her role as a grandmother, tending to her garden, adorned with the remnants of my kids’ playful fingerprints.
But she wasn’t the person I yearned for. The reality was far more complex; she was struggling, and in my self-centeredness, I often forgot how much she must have suffered. Now, as I reflect on her life, particularly the last decade marked by mental health issues and addiction, my heart breaks anew—not out of self-pity, but out of compassion for her struggles.
Today, I miss her not because I’m lost or lonely, but for a more fundamental reason: I miss her simply because I am her daughter.
Embracing the Whirlwind of Emotions
I share this with you to remind you that it’s okay to experience a whirlwind of emotions regarding what’s missing in your life. Whether you feel angry, sad, or even relieved, know that all these feelings are valid. Life can be absurd, and it’s alright if your emotions fluctuate wildly throughout the day, leaving you disoriented and breathless.
I also want to convey the message I so desperately needed to hear from my mother: it gets easier. It does get better.
You’re Not Alone
No matter where you are on your personal journey, embrace that place. Remember, you are not alone in your experiences. For more insights on journeys like ours, visit this excellent resource about pregnancy and related topics. You can also explore this informative blog post for further engagement on the subject. Additionally, Make a Mom offers authoritative information on home insemination kits that may interest you.
Conclusion
In summary, embracing the complexities of grief and longing is a part of healing. Acknowledge your emotions, and know that it is normal to miss those we have lost, no matter the circumstances.