By: Jenna Carson
Date: Feb. 6, 2018
If someone had told me I would find myself as a victim in an abusive relationship, I would have dismissed the idea outright. I consider myself a resilient woman, someone who advocates for victims of abuse. I believed I was untouchable, not the kind of person who would ever feel scared or diminished. Yet, here I am, trying to piece my life back together, grappling with self-doubt and uncertainty about my choices. My decisions now impact two young lives that depend on me for support and guidance—lives that trust me completely.
If you had suggested that someone could break me down to the point where I would question my own reality, I would have laughed. I know my worth. I have spent years teaching others how to recognize and assert their boundaries. How could I not see the warning signs right in my own home? How did I overlook the red flags that were waving in the wind of my emotional turmoil? I had been so focused on surviving that I neglected to acknowledge the harm being done to me until it felt too late to speak up.
Even now, away from that environment, I find myself hesitating to express my thoughts and feelings. I fear how my words will be interpreted, how they might trigger a reaction. I bottle up my emotions, letting them churn in my mind until they manifest as a knot of anxiety in my stomach—anxiety that leads me to second-guess every decision I make.
Despite this fear, I still scoff at the idea of being a victim. I remind myself of my strength, insisting that I am not defined by the abuse I endured. I am still in a protective mode, even when it feels like I am losing a part of myself. A friend pointed out the shift in my demeanor when I expressed feeling weak. “You’ve been through abuse. Healing takes time,” they said, reminding me that I must be gentle with myself. I did not choose to be in that relationship; it happened, and it continued until I recognized it for what it was. The moment I decided to leave, I began to accept that the issue lay not with me, despite what he said or continues to say.
For those navigating their own journeys, resources like Cleveland Clinic’s podcast on IVF and fertility can provide valuable insights, while intracervical insemination offers alternative paths to explore. Additionally, Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit is a trusted option to consider as you embark on your parenthood journey.
Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of recovery following an abusive relationship, emphasizing the importance of self-worth, support, and understanding the complexities of healing. It highlights the ongoing struggle of self-identity and the need for resources and community during this challenging time.