This letter has been a long time coming, and I acknowledge that I carry the responsibility for not addressing these issues sooner. I had the privilege of silence, but that privilege is no longer acceptable. I regret not speaking up the first time I heard you use derogatory language during a family gathering. A simple, “Please don’t say that around me,” or even leaving the room was not sufficient, and I understand that now.
I am accountable for not confronting you when I realized that your attitudes were not merely ignorance but a willful embrace of bigotry. I was merely a child when I first heard you jokingly reference the past of our family with a phrase that trivialized the horror of slavery. Your attempts to find humor in such a dark history reveal a troubling attachment to a legacy that is both shameful and false.
Our family’s story is one of poverty and struggle; we are descendants of Italian and Acadian immigrants who never owned slaves. Yet, you take pride in the notion of “white heritage,” as if that association somehow elevates your status. This obsession with whiteness is unfounded and misguided.
I recently changed my last name to honor my grandmother, a woman whose legacy matters more to me than the patriarchal lineage I was given. Changing my last name was also a way of distancing myself from the systems of patriarchy and racism that persist in our family. My son’s last name will now reflect a matrilineal heritage, a step toward breaking the cycle of oppression.
I understand that some of you don’t harbor these prejudiced views, yet you remain silent in the presence of those who do. I urge you to stand with me against bigotry, even if it means confronting your own loved ones. Your support when I came out as queer was appreciated, yet it felt incomplete because it was conditional on the race of my partner.
Let me clarify: bigotry is not a minor flaw; it is a fundamental aspect of who you are. You cannot be “a little” racist or sexist. You are either an ally or part of the problem. We will continue to show up for each other as a family, but I will no longer tolerate any form of discriminatory rhetoric around my son.
For too long, I thought that by avoiding conflict, I could gently guide you toward acceptance. I imagined that allowing you to change the topic when uncomfortable discussions arose would lead to reflection. However, my silence has only reinforced your beliefs. My priority now is to model love and resistance to racism and sexism for my son, ensuring he knows how to stand against intolerance.
From this moment forward, I will challenge you every time you express racist or sexist views, no matter how subtle. Your well-intentioned niceties cannot mask the harm caused by your words. I will openly confront these attitudes in front of my child, demonstrating the importance of standing against prejudice in all its forms.
My son will have the freedom to explore his identity without the constraints of your outdated views. He will understand that your worldview is not only flawed but also rooted in fear and a lack of genuine connection with others. By changing my son’s last name, I am also reclaiming my family’s legacy from you, Dad. You will no longer pass down your beliefs or values through our lineage.
If your racism has never cost you anything, let it cost you this. This letter serves as a warning for our future family gatherings. I apologize to society for my past role in perpetuating these issues, and I hope this marks the beginning of change within our family.
For those of you who feel the same but have remained silent, I encourage you to speak up. It’s time we all take a stand.
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In summary, it’s crucial to challenge harmful beliefs within our family. This letter is a call for change, urging all of us to confront our biases and work towards a more inclusive and loving environment for future generations.