Menu: Parenting
By: Emily Hartman
Updated: June 8, 2020
Originally Published: Feb. 17, 2018
In my household, my children have a penchant for telling tall tales about the most trivial matters. My teens frequently deny finishing the last of the Rocky Road ice cream, claim they have no homework, or insist they logged out of Netflix the previous night. Meanwhile, my youngest insists she has changed her underwear or has eaten a substantial amount of her greens, all while her hair looks as if a tornado just swept through it. Seriously? You’re not fooling anyone!
While our family places a high value on honesty—just like many others—we strive to maintain open and trusting relationships with our kids. We hope to raise them to be truthful and responsible adults. More importantly, we want to deter them from engaging in behaviors that would require them to lie, such as sneaking beer from the fridge or vandalizing the neighbor’s property.
However, it’s important to recognize that low-level lying is a common behavior among children. From the time they were toddlers, my kids have crafted little fibs about who did what and denying any wrongdoing. While it can be unsettling when your child is dishonest, it’s also a perfectly normal phase of development. Research conducted by Professor Michael Lewis from Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School found that most toddlers peeked at a toy when asked not to, and then lied about it. Interestingly, every child aged six and older who peeked also lied.
Rest assured, your child is not the only little deceiver. My upbringing was shaped by a belief that lying was a grave offense, yet I still found myself bending the truth. I’d tell small lies about finishing cookies and, as I got older, more significant ones, like claiming I was at Sara’s house when I was really out with my boyfriend. My parents would remind me that trust is essential—how could they trust me with the car keys if I lied about something trivial?
But here’s the twist: lying may not be as detrimental as we once thought. In fact, research indicates that children who lie tend to have higher verbal IQs. In the aforementioned toy experiment, liars scored, on average, ten points higher than their honest counterparts. So perhaps my kids are budding geniuses. It’s worth noting that the kids with the highest IQs were those who didn’t peek at all, but they are a rare breed.
Further studies by Dr. Victoria Talwar of McGill University and Dr. Kang Lee from the University of Toronto reveal that children who lie often possess better executive functioning skills, which include self-regulation, impulse control, and the ability to empathize with others. Moreover, Lewis states that children with higher emotional intelligence are more likely to lie than to tell the truth.
Children may lie for several reasons, some of which can be beneficial. For instance, an eight-year-old might feign excitement over an American Girl doll when she was actually hoping for a skateboard—this is an instance of lying to protect others’ feelings, a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence. Kids also lie to evade punishment, which can be a crucial self-preservation skill, and we all engage in self-deception, like claiming we’re too busy for an event we weren’t invited to—it’s a way to maintain our self-esteem.
The challenge for parents lies in guiding children who are clever enough to lie while instilling a sense of moral responsibility. We want them to understand when lying is acceptable—without causing harm to others—without becoming deceitful manipulators. Research shows that punishment for lying tends to be less effective than praising honesty. Acknowledging when your child tells the truth can foster a positive reinforcement cycle.
Pledging to avoid lying, even if kids don’t fully grasp the concept, can create a commitment to honesty. And if all else fails, monetary incentives can work—Professor Lee found that children are more likely to tell the truth if the reward for honesty is significantly greater than the reward for lying.
In conclusion, children lie, and emerging research suggests that this behavior is linked to intelligence. So, perhaps lying isn’t all bad? If you’re ever in doubt, waving a few dollar bills might just coax little Alex into revealing the truth about what really happened to your favorite yoga pants.
For more insights on this topic, consider reading our other blog posts, such as one on home insemination kit strategies.
Summary:
Children often lie about trivial matters, a behavior that is common and can indicate higher intelligence. While honesty is important, research suggests that lying can be associated with better executive functioning skills and emotional intelligence. Parents should foster honesty through positive reinforcement rather than punishment and recognize that lying, within reason, can be a normal part of childhood development.