There are certain unspoken realities in parenting. We often make promises to ourselves about what we will or won’t do, only to find ourselves breaking those very vows. Myths about motherhood abound, but then there are the secrets we keep.
Shortly after my first child was born, I discovered that there are feelings and thoughts that parents—especially mothers—are often reluctant to voice. During my initial parent-and-baby class, our uplifting leader invited us to share our thoughts on motherhood. One mother expressed her astonishment at the “unconditional love” she felt for her child. Another remarked on how her “heart seemed to overflow with love.” Yet another mentioned experiencing “love at first sight.” (Can you spot the pattern?)
When it was my turn, I hesitantly admitted that it was “more overwhelming than I ever anticipated,” my voice tinged with uncertainty. The silence that followed was palpable, and I was met with blank stares.
Over the past decade, I’ve come to realize that numerous parents harbor feelings they hesitate to express. We are conditioned to keep secrets. There are things we simply cannot admit.
I’m done with this charade. I’m exhausted from the pretense, the isolation, and the unspoken truths. If no one else will say it, then I will: I have no idea what I am doing.
There, I’ve said it.
Before becoming a parent, I had the naive belief that, while challenging, parenting would come naturally. I’m an educated individual with a solid support system, and I assumed I’d instinctively know what to do. In the instances I didn’t, I figured I could simply ask for help or consult a book—there’s no shortage of parenting guides and advice columns available. Armed with information and intuition, I thought my partner and I would navigate this journey with confidence.
What I didn’t expect were the countless nights spent awake, plagued by worries and questions. After poring over endless articles and self-help books, consulting friends and family, and engaging in exhaustive discussions with my partner, I often found myself lost. The questions seemed endless: Should I breastfeed or use formula? Is it better to let them cry it out or co-sleep? How do I balance structured activities with free play? The options were overwhelming and each choice came with its own set of pros and cons.
I had no idea how frequently I would feel like shouting, “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!”
As my oldest approaches eleven, the complexities of parenting are escalating, and I’m anxious about the challenges that await during the teenage years. Just this past week, I uttered, “They never warn you about this, do they?” Children don’t come with manuals, and even if they did, no one has ever raised a child in our unique family dynamic, making such a guide practically useless. We’re all navigating uncharted waters, learning as we go, and sometimes we simply have no clue.
Instead of openly admitting our uncertainties, we often keep them bottled up. We lie awake at night second-guessing our choices. Some of us may offer unsolicited advice, hoping to validate our own decisions. Others may become defensive, judging or criticizing, as if there’s only one “right” approach to parenting.
A shocking realization for me has been the profound loneliness that can accompany parenthood. When my first child arrived, I was taken aback by how isolated I felt, despite always being surrounded by others. I never even got a moment alone in the bathroom. Yet, I had never felt such loneliness in my life. It was akin to being stranded on a deserted island, with only my partner to confide in. I felt as if no one else could comprehend the struggles and emotions I was experiencing.
But parenting doesn’t have to be so isolating. We don’t need to feel like we’re the only ones navigating these challenges. It’s time to drop the façade, to share our experiences, and offer each other support. Let’s face the difficult truths head-on and openly discuss the feelings we’ve all experienced at some point.
Let’s admit our realities and share our burdens. Because even when we feel utterly lost, our kids are doing just fine. In fact, they are nothing short of remarkable.
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Summary
Parenting is fraught with uncertainties, and many parents feel the pressure to present a perfect front. It’s essential to acknowledge that no one truly has all the answers, and sharing our genuine experiences can foster a sense of community. By confronting the challenges together, we can alleviate feelings of isolation and support one another in this unpredictable journey.