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It Took Me 14 Years to Understand the Risks of My Manic Episodes
by R.L. Carter
Updated: Dec. 13, 2019
Originally Published: March 1, 2018
The first time I experienced mania, I was blissfully unaware of what it truly entailed. Although I had long been acquainted with depression, which haunted my nights with sorrow and despair, mania was a concept that remained foreign to me until it engulfed my life.
My initial manic episode began with a seemingly innocent surge of joy and energy. I felt euphoric, as if I were floating on air. The world around me transformed; colors were more vivid, and an electric sensation coursed through me. In that moment, I was high on life.
Ideas flowed through my mind faster than I could type them, and I found myself writing incessantly. It was exhilarating, and I felt inspired and creative. I had finally discovered both my muse and my purpose. Fueled by this newfound energy, I made an impulsive decision to drop out of school to write a book titled “Superwoman Unmasked.” My academic advisor tried to dissuade me, but I was deaf to reason. I had a story burning within me, and I was determined to share it.
In just a few days, I churned out tens of thousands of words. While they lacked coherence, I was convinced that I was a genius. My thoughts raced, and I believed that I could launch my own literary magazine. I embraced this high-energy period, indulging in both work and play. I drank, danced, and reveled in my newfound persona—witty, charming, and exuberant.
However, this euphoria was fleeting. As my mood began to shift, I descended into anger and irritability. I started drinking excessively and sleeping even less. My impulses grew more reckless; I took on a new identity as a stripper, adopting the names Candy and occasionally Pink. My sexual escapades became increasingly risky, taking place in public and inappropriate locations.
Despite the chaos, I felt unstoppable, racing towards an unseen wall. But it was inevitable. I eventually reached a point where I resorted to self-harm, taking a blade to my wrist.
Many mistakenly view mania as merely a state of elation and creativity. While it can bring moments of inspiration, it also carries the potential for irritability, risky behavior, and even suicidal thoughts. I was not fully aware of this danger until 14 years had passed and I had faced several episodes. It wasn’t until I was 33 that I received a bipolar diagnosis.
Even now, I occasionally yearn for the creative fervor that mania brought me. Yet, I understand the risks it poses—not just to myself but to the loved ones in my life. My husband and daughter depend on my stability, and I choose to remain on my prescribed medications. I take my antidepressants, antipsychotics, and other necessary medications, hoping for a day that is calm and manageable.
This experience has taught me the importance of managing my mental health and seeking support. If you’re exploring options for family planning or considering home insemination, check out this comprehensive guide for the best practices. For those facing infertility challenges, Mount Sinai offers excellent resources that can help you navigate your journey. Additionally, if you’re interested in learning more about intra-cervical insemination, consider reading this informative article.
In summary, my journey through mania has been tumultuous and illuminating. It took years of experiences to recognize the risks associated with my manic episodes, and I now prioritize my mental health for the sake of my family and myself.