As parents, we often reach our limits, especially when facing the various “phases” our children go through. From sleepless nights and tearful tantrums to periods of extreme neediness, the journey can feel overwhelming. Currently, I’m dealing with what I’ve termed the “Angsty Phase” with my oldest child, who seems to transform into a scowling critic the moment she awakens.
While I strive to maintain a calm demeanor amid her eye rolls and sarcastic remarks, it’s challenging. If a peer spoke to me like that, I would be taken aback. However, it’s remarkable how she can switch to being a model student outside our home, leaving me to wonder why she saves her best behavior for others. Initially, I made excuses for her moodiness—insufficient sleep, stress about school, or hunger—but these rationalizations fell flat, as she was well-rested, thriving academically, and well-fed.
After one particularly tense morning filled with sass, I tried a new tactic: I told her I would count her eye rolls and condescending remarks, and for every ten, she would owe me a dollar. Thankfully, her dislike for losing money made her think twice. Finding effective discipline that won’t disrupt my day or another family’s plans can be tricky. Yet, I know my authority as a parent must be asserted.
So, what’s causing this sudden wave of rudeness? The answer is clear: it’s the tumultuous combination of hormones and her growing desire for independence. During these moments, she needs space, which can be challenging for me as I’ve always been the parent encouraging open communication and hugs. But it became evident that a different approach was needed.
1. Embrace Silence
For someone who loves to talk, like me, it’s tough to stay quiet. However, I’ve learned that shutting my mouth and focusing on other tasks can diffuse tension. Recently, I turned on music and immersed myself in chores to avoid the escalating confrontation. When emotions simmer down, it creates a space for reflection for both of us.
2. Create Distance
When emotions run high, it’s beneficial to create physical space. I often suggest she retreat to her room, take a walk, or even relax in a hammock. However, if she refuses to budge, I take the initiative to leave the room. Just a brief separation can significantly reduce negative energy and help her regain her composure.
3. Practice Patience
The lovable child we know is still there, even when she seems consumed by her emotional turmoil. By allowing her some space and resisting the urge to engage during her irrational moments, I’ve noticed she tends to come around on her own. Often, the regret is visible on her face once she calms down.
4. Discuss Later
Once the storm has passed, and the day has progressed, I find it effective to approach her with gentle inquiries. When she is in a better frame of mind, I can express my disappointment regarding her earlier behavior. Using the word “disappointed” seems to resonate with her, prompting her to apologize and mending our relationship for the rest of the day.
Implementing these strategies has led to a more harmonious atmosphere in our home, and I encourage other parents facing similar challenges to give them a try. Recently, my daughter left for school after a heated morning. At the end of the driveway, she turned back, her eyes revealing a longing for connection. It reminded me that this is all part of a phase—a phase that, like all others, will eventually pass.
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Summary
Parenting an emotional tween can be challenging, particularly during phases of angst. Effective strategies include embracing silence, creating distance, practicing patience, and waiting to discuss issues later. These approaches can help maintain a positive relationship and foster a calmer home environment.