Updated: July 6, 2023
Originally Published: March 6, 2023
The sensation begins subtly, creeping up from your feet. A child has left their shoes in the hallway, and you nearly stumble while carrying a laundry basket to the washing machine. Another child has once again neglected to flush the toilet. Now, that irritation is at your knees, simmering just below the surface. You remember a bill you forgot to pay, which has now accrued a late fee, and your child’s homework rests forgotten on the counter as the bus pulls away. Your lips press into a thin line. Just breathe, you remind yourself.
Later in the evening, as you prepare dinner, your anger simmers, knowing full well the complaints that will follow about your meal. Suddenly, you’re jolted by a nerf gun shot to your back. You lose it. The spatula clatters into the sink, and you wrest the nerf gun from your son’s hands, feeling the heat of frustration rising within you. Yet, in that moment, you notice his slumped shoulders as he retreats, wondering why Mom can’t just be fun sometimes.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I recall witnessing my mother’s moments of frustration—her exasperation bubbling over when tasks seemed never-ending. She would snap, often over seemingly trivial matters like a heap of laundry or an untouched dinner. At the time, I couldn’t grasp why it mattered so much to her if the beds were unmade or the kitchen was messy. Now, as an adult and a mother, I completely understand.
Why Do Mothers Carry a Cloud of Anger?
Have you ever pondered why many mothers seem to carry a cloud of anger? While dads can come home after a long day, tossing the kids in the air and spreading joy, all you can think is, “Don’t get them riled up just before bedtime!” It’s puzzling why the same joyful moments can feel overshadowed by the chaos of everyday life—like when no one hangs up their coat or puts their shoes where they belong.
These small grievances—moments that feel like personal affronts—accumulate and can lead to explosive reactions. I can empathize with my mother now because I experience the same frustrations. But what drives this anger?
The truth is: anger often stems from deeper emotions. According to Psychology Today, anger is rarely a primary emotion. Instead, it often masks feelings such as being disregarded, undervalued, or powerless. This makes perfect sense. It’s our feeling of being unappreciated or overlooked that can ignite our tempers.
Maintaining Order and Expressing Needs
Every day, I strive to maintain a certain level of order in our home, preparing nutritious meals and ensuring everyone’s clothes are clean and ready. I scrub toilets, fold blankets, and vacuum rugs. I remind my family to do their homework and practice good hygiene. When those I care for—those for whom I do all this—enter the house and leave their belongings scattered, or leave the kitchen messy after critiquing my cooking, it fuels my anger. But beneath that anger lies a multitude of other emotions.
Here’s the critical point: I don’t wish to unleash my anger on my family any more than they want it directed at them. While it’s their responsibility to contribute, it’s equally mine to express my needs. Open communication is key to ensuring I don’t feel undervalued in my own home. Living in a constant state of anger benefits no one.
Confronting Underlying Causes
When I feel frustration creeping up, I need to confront the underlying causes. Even as the tension builds, I can still take action. At that moment, I need to check in with myself. Am I overwhelmed? Exhausted? Is my to-do list too long? I must identify what’s triggering my anger and find ways to address it.
This approach doesn’t guarantee an absence of angry outbursts. We all experience bad days, and that’s perfectly okay. However, if you often find yourself seething over minor issues, it may be beneficial to step back and assess the root of your frustration. Perhaps you feel invisible or taken for granted, or maybe you simply need some rest or a break from your schedule. Recognizing these feelings enables you to communicate effectively with your family.
If your children or partner felt undervalued or overwhelmed, you would step in to reassure them of their worth. So why shouldn’t you deserve the same treatment?
Addressing Feelings Behind Anger
In moments of frustration, remember to address the feelings behind your anger. Whether it’s a matter of needing a moment to yourself or simply seeking acknowledgment of your efforts, your needs matter.
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Summary
Maternal anger often stems from deeper feelings of being unappreciated or overwhelmed. By recognizing and addressing these emotions, mothers can foster better communication within the family and create a more harmonious home environment.