By: Emily Carter
Updated: Feb. 19, 2021
Originally Published: March 10, 2018
No Other Love Photography
Trigger Warning: Child Loss
What does life look like after the heart-wrenching experience of SIDS? It begins with a quiet drive from the hospital on a dreary Sunday, hospital socks on your feet and a plush pink bear resting on your lap, alongside a purple box filled with handprints and footprints. But the most painful absence is that of your baby.
Life after SIDS entails encounters with law enforcement and the haunting presence of yellow tape. It’s the overwhelming nausea as you try to step back into a house that once felt like home. Intubation trays and defibrillator pads litter the dining room floor, reminders of moments that can never be erased.
So, what is life after SIDS? It’s an ongoing heartache, where your heart shatters into countless pieces daily, coupled with a profound longing for a child who is no longer here. It means empty arms at bedtime, holding onto your living children tightly, hoping to somehow feel the presence of the one lost. Funeral arrangements take place at a round desk, and the stark reality of a tiny white gown becomes all too real. The photos you wish to print out are a testament to memories frozen in time.
Life in this new reality involves two simple black dresses for two unbearable days, an endless procession of loved ones offering tear-stained shoulders. You fear that someone else might touch your precious daughter at her funeral, yet feel relief when they don’t. It’s holding her one moment and grappling with the unimaginable task of letting her go the next, staring at her perfect features and wishing you could wipe away her tears instead of your own. Gently swaddling her in a pink blanket for the last time, you take one final look at her innocent face before all you have left are photos and memories, encapsulated in a horrendously tiny coffin.
Life after SIDS means pink balloons drifting toward a heart-shaped cloud, a hearse carrying your daughter to her resting place, and an overwhelming desire to linger at the cemetery, just to feel her presence one last time. Your home fills with beautiful flowers from a compassionate community, yet their wilting brings a new wave of sadness. Morning brings physically painful cries before your feet even touch the ground. A knot forms in your throat, and an empty pit in your stomach becomes your new normal.
It’s the world moving on while you find yourself stuck in a moment, grappling with disbelief: “Was she ever really here?” What is life after SIDS? It’s the bittersweet feeling of smiling for the first time, only to be hit by a wave of guilt. How can you smile when your child is gone? It’s sleeping with her pajamas and blanket for months, dreaming of her and wishing you could stay in that moment forever. When you search for your favorite dress, the somber realization strikes you—it’s buried with her.
Life after SIDS involves discovering a new normal. A new pregnancy brings hesitation, but God blesses you with twin girls, filling your heart with joy and hope. Bringing them home, you pray they are here to stay. Yet even in the happiest moments, a tinge of sorrow lingers.
What is life after SIDS? It’s finding glimpses of her in your other children, cherishing the small joys, and trying not to take a single second for granted. Over time, honesty replaces the need to lie about your feelings when someone asks how you are. There will be good days, and there will be bad ones. But through it all, you discover raw strength in living once again—after all, she wouldn’t want a sad mommy. Ultimately, it’s about gratitude for the four brief months you had with her, because no one could love her in life or death quite like you do.
This is life after SIDS.
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Summary
Life after SIDS is a profound journey filled with heartbreak, longing, and the search for new normalcy. It captures the raw emotions of grief, the struggle to find joy again, and the gratitude for the time spent with a beloved child. As parents navigate their loss, they learn to find strength in their memories and in the love for their living children.