Six years ago, during a lunch with my sister, I confided, “If only I had the strength and self-belief, I would leave him today.” Her response was supportive yet revealing, “I know you would. I can’t imagine what I would do in your position.” It was evident she had been anticipating my admission.
Admitting I wanted to leave my husband of nearly a decade was daunting. Voicing it felt liberating yet frightening, as if merely acknowledging it meant I was already halfway out the door. I feared that if I let myself contemplate leaving my marriage, I would find the courage to do so.
Only weeks before, my husband disclosed his affair. He expressed a desire to work hard on salvaging our relationship, professing his love and longing for our previous life together. He repeated these sentiments daily, and while I tried to respond positively, deep down, I had already emotionally detached. I saw him as the man who needed another woman to validate his self-worth, rather than the husband and father he once was. He never voiced his dissatisfaction or checked in with me, which led to my own disillusionment.
I thought we were maintaining stability while raising our three children, but the truth was, I had also stopped seeing him. I became a mere shadow of myself, navigating life in a state of emotional numbness. Each day blurred into the next, and I kept convincing myself that this phase was temporary; we would rekindle our love. How could I consider leaving? We had a home, three kids, and he wasn’t abusive. I once loved him; surely I could feel that way again.
So, I stayed. It wasn’t the fear of solitude that bound me; the prospect of being a single mother brought a flicker of excitement. Yet, I suppressed that feeling, as it was quickly followed by pain and anxiety.
For another six years, I let that pain dominate my life. It wasn’t about losing him; it stemmed from my belief that I could never manage the responsibilities of single parenthood, maintain a home, or handle finances independently. The thought of acknowledging my status as a divorced woman was terrifying—me, of all people.
The weight of that pain compounded over years. I tried meditation and prayer, pleading with the Universe to guide me, as I felt paralyzed. Guilt overwhelmed me, but more significantly, I held a conviction that I was unworthy of happiness as a single mother. I feared mundane tasks like fixing a leaky pipe. The very idea of intimacy with another man seemed unimaginable. How would I support myself and my children financially?
Instead of confronting these fears, I chose the pain of familiarity. I remained in a situation that was ultimately detrimental to both of us. It’s easy to look back and recognize the suffering we endured. You cannot be a true partner when you are emotionally absent.
While it’s tempting to berate myself for the time lost, I refuse to dwell on that. I will not waste my energy regretting the past. The pain served as a voice, a guide that I initially resisted. When I finally opened up to it and understood what it was signaling, I began to evolve.
If you’re experiencing profound discomfort in your marriage, heed that feeling. Don’t ignore it as I did. What matters now is that we’ve both moved forward into better places. I eventually acknowledged my pain and discovered that I am capable of thriving, even in the face of my fears. I learned to value myself enough to embrace the single mom life, rather than remain in a relationship that diminished my spirit, despite the uncertainty ahead.
The journey was far from easy, but it has proven to be immensely rewarding.
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Summary
The journey of contemplating leaving a long-term marriage can be fraught with emotional turmoil and fear, as experienced by the author. Despite the challenges, acknowledging and confronting inner pain can lead to personal growth and empowerment. Embracing change, even amidst uncertainty, reveals the strength to thrive as a single parent and rediscover self-worth.