When my first child, Leo, arrived, he had an unusual sleeping pattern for the first three months; the only way he would sleep was if someone held him upright on the sofa. I’m not sure if that qualifies as co-sleeping, but it certainly wasn’t restful for my partner, Sarah, and me. While Leo dozed off, I often found myself resting my head on a pillow wedged awkwardly between our bookshelf and the couch arm, which was far from comfortable.
We took turns staying awake. Typically, Sarah managed the first half of the night, while I took the second. After three long months of this routine, we finally transitioned to having him sleep in our bed—his disinterest in the crib was unmistakable. I can’t pinpoint the exact duration we co-slept, but it was likely between nine months and a year. After months of sleepless nights, having a little one snuggled up next to us felt like a dream.
Despite our decision, we faced judgment, particularly directed at Sarah. I recall a conversation with a friend at our community center who remarked on my tired appearance. When I explained that Leo was sleeping in our bed, he suggested I discuss this with Sarah and that we needed to let him “cry it out.” I was new to fatherhood and felt compelled to listen, but I later questioned why the burden of our child’s sleep habits seemed to rest solely on her.
When a parent mentions fatigue with a young child in the home, the appropriate response is empathy; consistent sleep is as rare as passing a bill through legislation—possible, but not frequent. This holds true regardless of whether the child sleeps in a crib or with parents.
What truly irked me wasn’t the advice itself, but rather the implication that it was Sarah’s responsibility to fix the situation. Parenting is a partnership; we occasionally argue, but we strive for compromise in all aspects of our life, from finances to household chores to our sleep arrangements. It’s crucial to remember that sleeplessness in children isn’t anyone’s fault—some children sleep well, while others struggle. Blaming a parent for their child’s inability to sleep is akin to blaming gravity for a broken egg.
I understand there are sleep experts eager to provide their services, but what parents genuinely need is support—not judgment or unsolicited advice regarding co-sleeping. Mothers, in particular, should not bear the brunt of blame for a restless child.
The reality is that I have three children, the youngest of whom is nearing four years old. Unless they’re unwell, they all sleep through the night. Each has spent varying amounts of time in our bed, and when they were ready, they transitioned out. Every decision we made regarding nighttime care was a collaborative effort. Parenting is challenging, and while it can be immensely gratifying, it can also leave you feeling overwhelmed.
I cannot recall a single instance where another parent’s judgment improved my situation. Instead, we should focus more on what works for our families and less on others’ choices. Each child is unique, and we need to trust that parents are doing their best to ensure their children sleep well. If a family chooses co-sleeping, it’s likely because it suits their needs.
In the end, we could all benefit from more understanding and support instead of criticism. Parenting is both the toughest and most rewarding journey, made even more challenging by sleepless nights. Let’s unite and foster a community built on trust and kindness.
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Summary
Co-sleeping should not lead to shame or judgment, as parenting decisions are personal and often made in partnership. Support, rather than criticism, is what parents truly need during challenging times. Each family must find what works best for them, and all children sleep differently.