In recent conversations with friends, I’ve noticed a pattern of angst and feelings of exclusion that seems to mirror the dynamics we often associate with adolescence. For instance, one friend is grappling with anxiety over who to invite to her child’s milestone celebration, fearing the fallout from necessary cuts. Another feels left out when she learns about get-togethers involving mutual friends. I’ve experienced similar pangs myself—whether it’s missing out on a birthday gathering, shopping trips, or casual afternoons by the pool. When these feelings of rejection surface, I find myself venting to my husband, wrestling with the notion that perhaps I’m being immature. Yet, it appears I’m not alone in this sentiment.
As we enter our forties, one might assume that we’ve attained a level of maturity that allows us to navigate friendships with ease. So why do we still find ourselves entangled in these social anxieties? My close-knit circle of friends, established over a decade ago when I relocated to a new city, has remained resilient. We came together as new mothers, bonding over shared experiences in playgroups, music classes, and preschool events. Over the years, our group has expanded, incorporating new faces and stories as life has unfolded—witnessing marriages, divorces, births, miscarriages, and even losses.
Our friendship network has morphed into a complex web of connections; some friends enjoy tennis, while others travel together or attend concerts as a group. As our children grow, so do our friendships, deepening with each shared experience. This expansion has also allowed me to reconnect with childhood friends, high school buddies, and college roommates, creating a rich tapestry of relationships that now includes fellow writers, classmates from fitness sessions, and mothers from school.
As Gloria Steinem once noted, “Women understand.” Our connections often transcend barriers of age, background, and culture, offering us a solid support system. Yet, despite having an extensive network, we can still fixate on feelings of exclusion when a friendship seems to wane. Why do we hone in on the one relationship that feels distant when the others are thriving?
In my view, friendships are a delicate blend of chemistry, timing, shared experiences, and individual needs. As we mature, our choices may diverge from those of our friends, leading to shifts that can feel unsettling. We often wish for our friendships to remain static in a world that is constantly evolving. The reality is that friendships, like life itself, are subject to change.
Zadie Smith observed that while friendships may feel straightforward in youth, they become more complicated as we age and make different life choices. Change doesn’t have to be a negative force. What recedes can often return, and genuine friendships can withstand tension and growth. Therefore, it’s essential to recognize that every connection is unique. The emergence of new friendships doesn’t diminish existing ones; it simply enriches the landscape.
When feelings of exclusion arise, it’s crucial to remember that not everyone can be invited to every gathering. A close friend forging a new bond may mean less time together, but that doesn’t erase the history you share. In yoga, we learn to focus on our own mats; while it’s natural to admire others, envy can lead us astray.
If you find yourself experiencing these feelings, don’t hesitate to communicate. We often discuss our feelings with family or partners but shy away from being open with friends. Just like any relationship, friendships can withstand a little turbulence.
Summary
Friendships in your forties can be as complicated as those in your teens, filled with feelings of exclusion and angst. As we navigate changes in our lives and relationships, it’s essential to embrace the evolving nature of friendship and communicate openly with those we care about.
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