Updated: March 24, 2021
Originally Published: March 21, 2018
The tragic reality of children facing violence in schools is intolerable. This situation has led to heated debates. Some advocate for the #WalkOut movement, emphasizing the need for our children’s safety. Others support the #WalkUp approach, promoting inclusion. I understand this perspective, and it is the reason I feel compelled to share my experience with the concepts of inclusion and empathy.
As a devoted mother, I have always engaged in deep conversations with my children about their friendships and the choices they make. We discuss everything openly. After relocating, my children were adjusting to a new school environment. There was a child who would greet my daughter when we were out, and I encouraged her to “be kind to everyone.”
My daughter confided in me that this child struggled to make friends. I advised her to “be inclusive.” However, she explained that this child was often disruptive. I urged her to “listen to what people have to say,” and she informed me that this child faced challenges at home. I told her, “Have compassion; you never know what someone else is enduring.”
Then, I received a call from the school counselor. The conversation began with, “This is the school counselor, and I’m calling about your daughter. Everything is okay….” Panic surged through me as I had never been contacted by the school regarding my children’s behavior. The call continued, revealing that some of my daughter’s classmates had expressed concern over another child who was fixated on her.
In disbelief, I realized: “My daughter has a stalker!” I requested the child’s identity, but confidentiality laws prevented the counselor from disclosing any names. I then offered a name, knowing full well who this child was. This was the very child I had advised my daughter to include, listen to, and empathize with.
Fear coursed through my veins as I learned that this child had been following my daughter closely and verbally harassing her, to the point that her peers were uncomfortable. It wasn’t my daughter who reported the behavior. I needed to know how the school was ensuring my daughter’s safety. They assured me that she would be removed from classes with this child and that teachers were alerted to monitor interactions closely. Security cameras and supervision during transitions were also implemented.
Thoughts raced through my mind, reflecting on the limited time before they would enter high school. I questioned what I had overlooked in our discussions. I felt a profound sense of dread about what could have transpired. Then, in front of the counselor, I broke down and admitted to my daughter, “I’ve given you terrible parenting advice.” After a painful pause, she reassured me that she was fine and that it was “no big deal.” Yet, I did not share her sentiment; I felt like I had unknowingly put her in harm’s way.
Last year brought another shock. My daughter participated in a trip to Washington, D.C., and was assigned to a group with that same child. This time, I empowered my daughter to remain with her own friends and instructed her to engage only politely, ensuring she stayed close to an adult.
Navigating this situation proved challenging. I want my daughter to be fearless and strong, but I also recognize the realities she must face as a young woman. We’ve had increasingly candid discussions about the dangers present in everyday life. I remind her of the importance of being vigilant, whether it’s avoiding alleys or staying aware of her surroundings when we leave a store. The list of precautions seems to grow with each conversation.
While I won’t take sides on the issue of school violence, we can all agree that the safety of our children is paramount. My experience has led me to realize that sometimes, insisting on inclusivity, compassion, and listening can inadvertently expose children to perilous situations. There are moments when it is acceptable to prioritize personal safety over kindness.
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In summary, I have learned that while raising children with values of kindness and compassion is important, it is equally essential to teach them about self-protection and awareness of their surroundings. Striking this balance is critical for their safety and well-being.