“My tummy hurts.”
“I can’t get to sleep.”
“Could you shut my closet door?”
“Can I just sleep in your bed?”
Does this sound familiar? If so, know that you are not alone – and neither is your child.
While it’s typical for kids to experience some anxiety when separating from parents, meeting new people, or attending sleepovers for the first time, most young children eventually outgrow these phases. However, some kids struggle beyond this, staying awake through the night, skipping school, throwing unexpected tantrums, or turning down sleepovers with close friends. This ongoing anxiety can persist into their school years—a realization I wish I had come to much sooner.
Initially, I dismissed her struggles with sleep as typical tantrums or common fears of the dark. Yet, after enduring weeks of sleepless nights and countless tearful moments, I recognized that something was truly amiss. Children typically don’t spend years trying to sleep alone in their rooms, but my daughter, Emily, did.
Research indicates that approximately 12 percent of children experience separation anxiety disorder before reaching adulthood. This may not seem like a large number, but it’s significant enough to warrant discussion and awareness among parents. Just as you would recognize symptoms of the flu, it’s essential to understand the signs of anxiety disorders. I wish I had been able to identify those signs earlier. It felt like I was alone in this battle against sleep-related issues, especially since most of my friends’ children also faced similar challenges.
During a period when I was traveling for work a few days a week, my departure was heart-wrenching for both of us. When I called home, I could barely understand Emily through her sobs of “Come home, Mommy; please come home.” My husband, Mark, was overwhelmed and frustrated, struggling to get her ready for school during those mornings I was away. I felt immense guilt, torn between comforting her or encouraging her to be brave and face school. I often hung up the phone in tears, hoping it was just a phase that would pass.
Everything changed one day when Emily’s kindergarten teacher casually mentioned, “It’s wonderful to have you back – no more tummy aches.” I was taken aback. I had no idea that she had been experiencing daily stomachaches due to her anxiety when I was away. It became clear that her distress stemmed from fears about my safety while traveling. Unfortunately, Emily didn’t have the words to express her feelings, and Mark and I hadn’t asked the right questions.
Things improved significantly when I was home more frequently. With stability, I became more aware of her sensitivities, and she felt safer. She attended school without issues, enjoyed her teachers, made friends, and rediscovered her joy. That is, until everything changed again.
You might be familiar with the expression, “when he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad, he was terrible.” Emily began refusing playdates, insisting they only happen at our home. She expressed feeling trapped at school and constantly worried about changes in her routine. Any deviation from her expectations resulted in massive tantrums. She even became reluctant to attend sleepovers, often requiring me to pick her up in the middle of the night.
After years of sleeping soundly in her own room, Emily suddenly stopped. At first, we thought it might have been triggered by a bad dream, but this pattern persisted. Night after night, we found ourselves checking her room for imaginary threats, as her fear spiraled into thoughts of fires, intruders, and even kidnapping.
Clearly, something was amiss. Our attempts to discuss her fears logically proved ineffective, and soon we were all exhausted. Seeking help, we turned to a counselor, hoping she could guide Emily through her anxiety. However, the panic attacks returned, and the stomachaches resurfaced, complicating our lives further.
Mark struggled to grasp the reality of Emily’s fears, leading to tensions in our household. Our efforts to reason with her were fruitless, and we found ourselves trying to let her sleep with us, which only compounded the problem. Eventually, our counselor suggested we place a bed in Emily’s room for one of us to sleep in initially. This was a starting point to help her regain her independence in sleeping alone.
As time progressed, we implemented a gradual approach: after getting Emily settled, one of us would sit in a chair in her room, then slowly transition to the hallway over several nights. This strategy helped her feel more secure while promoting her autonomy.
Our new therapist was instrumental in guiding Emily through her fears by encouraging her to articulate them. She learned to confront her anxieties, discussing “What If” scenarios with us, which proved crucial in helping her navigate her thoughts. For example, if she worried about a fire, we would talk through her experiences with fire and the likelihood of it occurring.
In addition, Emily started to visualize her fears, drawing them and giving them names. This technique allowed her to create distance between herself and her anxieties. We even added a touch of humor, finding ways for her to “yell” at her fears to help diminish their power.
One innovative strategy involved the therapist recording a calming meditation with soothing instructions for Emily. This provided her with a familiar voice to help her relax during difficult nights. Over time, as we achieved small victories, Emily created her own goal and reward system, empowering her to take charge of her sleep journey.
Ultimately, she learned to overcome her fears, gaining confidence in her ability to manage them independently. Miraculously, she even successfully attended sleepovers again, showing remarkable progress. Recently, Emily returned from a three-week service trip where she knew no one—an incredible achievement that warmed my heart.
In conclusion, while navigating my child’s sleep issues was a challenging journey, it ultimately led us to a deeper understanding of her needs and the tools necessary to empower her. For further insights on similar topics, you might find these articles helpful: Intracervical Insemination and Home Insemination Kit. Additionally, the Johns Hopkins Fertility Center offers fantastic resources on pregnancy and home insemination.