It often seems that those who can effectively manage a perfectly well-behaved child are the ones without any kids of their own. You can easily spot them—usually devoid of any food stains on their clothing and blissfully unaware of the chaos that comes with little ones. Before I had children, I fancied myself quite the authority on parenting. Here’s a look at some of my “expert opinions” and the real-life discoveries that followed:
-
My children will never misbehave in public.
I promised myself that my kids would be the ones who never threw tantrums in a grocery store—screaming like they were being chased by a shark through the cereal aisle. When the inevitable meltdowns do occur, I find myself asking random strangers if these little monsters belong to them. Sometimes, I even whisper to nearby shoppers, “I’m just the babysitter.” Occasionally, I can’t help but applaud my kids for their impressive flexibility as they writhe and thrash in ways that defy all logic. -
I will never leave the house looking disheveled.
Oh, but I do. It’s not that I don’t care about my appearance; it’s more that I often forget to do the basics like comb my hair or even brush my teeth. At least I’ve never forgotten to wear pants—so there’s that. -
My kids will eat healthy food.
Convincing my toddlers to eat anything other than stickers or crayons feels like a monumental achievement. When they opt for chicken nuggets or pepperoni instead of veggies, it’s a victory worthy of a parent’s cheer. I supplement their diet with gummy vitamins twice a day, which helps to ease my guilt. -
My home will never resemble a disaster zone.
Currently, my house looks like a toy store exploded in it. Stuffed animals, clothes, and toy parts are strewn everywhere. I’ve learned that cleaning while the kids are awake is akin to trying to tidy up after a blender has been running—exhausting and futile. The only way for my home to appear neat is if it spontaneously combusts. -
I will always be on time.
Ironically, my children’s slowest speeds occur when we need to be somewhere by a specific time. They usually zip around the house with the energy of a dozen toddlers, but the moment I mention leaving, time seems to rewind. It’s as if I live in a world where time operates in reverse. And don’t even get me started on putting on coats and shoes—let’s just say that arms often end up in the wrong places. -
I won’t negotiate with my kids.
Negotiation, I once thought, was a valuable skill for fostering decision-making and independence. Now? It often feels more like a way to get what I want. If little Mia wants ice cream, she must finish her chicken nuggets first. It’s all about incentives—though I suppose it resembles bribery more than anything else. -
My kids will not watch television.
During long winter days, when cabin fever is looming, the TV becomes a sanctuary. It’s a magical device that grants me fifteen minutes of peace, allowing me to gather my thoughts—or, more realistically, bang my head against the wall without distractions. -
I will never get irritated with my children.
Sometimes, I initiate a game of hide-and-seek without informing anyone else. I find a spot where a three-year-old would never think to look, like inside the dryer, and enjoy a bit of candy in peace. -
I won’t let my kids hinder my travel plans.
Even a simple trip to the store feels like embarking on a journey of epic proportions. If our forebears had toddlers in tow, they would have barely made it past the first few blocks before realizing they left a toy behind. We do travel now, but discussing those adventures is a different story—I’m still unpacking the emotional baggage of those experiences in therapy. -
My kids will listen to me.
I’ve come to realize that while young children can hear, listening isn’t part of the package. It seems they only respond when I reach the volume of an auctioneer, yelling at top decibels. By the time they acknowledge me, I feel like I’ve sold livestock at a county fair.
Parenthood is a humbling experience that truly tests one’s character, patience, and endurance. While perhaps surviving a winter in the Alaskan wilderness while being pursued by ravenous wolves might be more challenging, at least those wolves keep their boogers to themselves.
For more engaging stories and insights, check out our other blog post here. If you’re interested in pregnancy topics, a great resource is this article on in vitro fertilization. And if you’re thinking about self-insemination, consider visiting this site for expert advice.
Summary:
Before becoming a parent, I had a long list of expectations about how my children would behave and how I would manage family life. However, the realities of parenting have taught me that my plans were often misguided. From public meltdowns to messy homes and negotiation tactics that resemble bribery, the journey of parenthood is filled with unexpected challenges and humbling lessons.