Let’s begin with a confession: my first child was conceived somewhat casually. It was a typical night out, filled with drinks and smoke at a private venue where smoking was still allowed. At that time, I was a pack-a-day smoker of slim Marlboro Lights, having developed this habit during my college years. I was also grappling with unmedicated ADHD, which led me to self-medicate using stimulants, including my notorious consumption of Red Bull.
When the pregnancy test revealed two blue lines, I was ecstatic — but anxiety quickly set in. I reached out to the only midwife available, who recommended valerian root to help me quit smoking. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
Just two weeks into my pregnancy, I faced a scare with a threatened miscarriage, which turned out to be linked to cervical bleeding from a prior intimate encounter. I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear, crying through my first ultrasound when I saw my baby for the first time. The weight of prenatal depression bore down on me, leading to feelings of hopelessness and even suicidal thoughts. The only thing that kept me from acting on those thoughts was the desire to protect my baby.
In that dark period, my focus shifted to survival. I needed to breathe through panic attacks and manage my mental health, which left little energy to kick my smoking habit. So, I continued to smoke — 2 to 3 cigarettes a day, always in secret. My husband tried to hide them; I found ways around it, even sneaking smokes in my friends’ cars. When I finally sought psychiatric help, I was terrified to disclose my smoking habit, fearing judgment and potential repercussions on my medical records.
I never smoked in public; fear of judgment loomed large in my mind. My mother, who stayed with me during my pregnancy, was completely unaware of my habit. I even found myself smoking during labor, a coping mechanism during the intense pain. Once my baby was born, I was so preoccupied with hospital routines and learning to care for him that I inadvertently stopped smoking.
As the days turned into weeks, I realized I hadn’t had a cigarette since giving birth. My son appears healthy so far, though I still worry about potential long-term effects of my smoking during pregnancy. Anxiety about genetic predispositions and health implications haunts me. I didn’t enjoy smoking while pregnant; I simply couldn’t stop. If I could have, I would have — for my child’s sake.
This experience has shaped my perspective on mental health during pregnancy and the importance of support. If you’re facing similar challenges, consider seeking guidance. For more information on home insemination, you can check out this post on intracervicalinsemination.com. Also, Make a Mom is a great resource for understanding the process. For further insights into success rates of procedures like IUI, visit WebMD.
In summary, my journey through pregnancy while battling addiction and mental health challenges was complex and filled with guilt. I wish I could have stopped smoking for my baby’s health, but the reality of my situation made it nearly impossible. I hope sharing my story encourages others to seek the help they need.