It truly does take a village. I often heard this phrase during my children’s early years, a time when we all seemed to share the parenting journey: carpooling kids, spending afternoons at local parks, and exchanging insights on everything from child development to emerging parenting trends. As new parents, we navigated the thrilling yet daunting path together, instinctively supporting one another.
Then, seemingly overnight, our once-flexible children morphed into the unyielding teenagers we never anticipated. As a relaxed parent, I felt fortunate that my teens still engaged in open conversations. Yet, there were moments I had to fight the urge to cover my ears, wanting to drown out the things they shared. I often rifled through my own teenage memories, seeking comfort that their behavior was typical—until it wasn’t. Eventually, we had to accept that it was time to assert more control.
Despite our efforts at home, it often felt as though parental guidance was no match for the influence of peers. So, in a bid to do the right thing, I reached out to the parents of my children’s friends. After all, it takes a village, and together we could collaborate, share resources, and create a unified approach that would demonstrate we were all on the same page. We didn’t need our kids to befriend us; as my son puts it, we could be the “bad guys” collectively. Yet, our kids insisted that no one else’s parents were concerned—why were we making such a fuss?
The responses I received were a mixed bag. Some parents were taken aback by their children’s actions—experimenting with substances, drinking, and even flaunting stolen medications on social media. Others reacted defensively. A few tried to step in but ultimately lacked commitment, adopting the mindset that “kids will be kids,” with the belief that at least their homes were safe havens.
I found myself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, as if the challenges we faced were solely ours to bear. I was met with pity and reproach, leading to the assumption that if I was reaching out, then my child must surely be the problem. This left me feeling frustrated and ineffectual, as I battled against the image of a helicopter parent—a label I had consciously avoided. My attempts to seek support backfired, leaving my daughter particularly vulnerable to exclusion and bullying. In seeking help from other parents, I inadvertently worsened the situation, and my kids lost trust in me.
I witnessed my daughter’s once-vibrant circle of friends shrink to a scant few—companions she didn’t even like, who contributed to her downward spiral, yet seemed better than no friends at all. She became a shadow of her former self, the lively and charming girl we once cherished. By the time we enrolled her in a wilderness program in Utah, she had been banned from several friends’ homes due to behaviors they had all engaged in together.
Reaching the point of desperation that compels you to seek outside assistance can feel like a personal failure. But it wasn’t just our struggle; it was the community that had let us down. I felt like an outsider, holding my breath as my daughter’s peers graduated middle school while she was in the wilderness, carrying a hefty pack and learning survival skills.
I would encounter long-time acquaintances who acted as though nothing was wrong, even as our family faced turmoil. Most didn’t ask about my daughter or how we were coping. While I understood the desire to avoid awkward conversations in public, it hurt to feel that, by ignoring our reality, they thought we could somehow be spared from the situation.
Shame and isolation are common themes among parents of troubled teens, stemming from a fear of judgment. Yet, no one understands better than a parent in this situation that any teenager can go from zero to a hundred in no time. Regardless of their talents or achievements, some, like mine, don’t merely dip their toes into adolescence; they plunge in headfirst. And what our teens share with us is usually just the tip of the iceberg—we truly don’t know everything.
For months, I mourned the loss of my community. However, as time passed and circumstances evolved, some friendships deepened. Neighbors who had observed from a distance began to reach out with kind words. Through our educational consultant and word of mouth, I connected with a network of parents on similar journeys. As another mother navigating the wilderness journey pointed out, this is our village.
To those who wish to support families dealing with struggling teens, consider this advice: unless a family requests space, offer your support. Misinformation can be damaging, and a simple conversation can clarify much. Talk to us, not about us, and perhaps offer a hug before casting any judgment. If our children see this kindness, they may learn to do the same.
In conclusion, it’s essential to recognize the importance of community support during challenging times. By fostering understanding and compassion, we can cultivate an environment where all families feel supported, ensuring that no one feels isolated in their struggles.
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