By: Mia Thompson
I didn’t plan to wait until I was 40 to marry, but life unfolded that way. At 22, when a boyfriend proposed, I was uninterested. I craved independence and the confidence that I could care for myself, prioritizing that over the idea of settling down. So, I held off on marriage.
During my 20s and most of my 30s, I didn’t meet the right person; either they weren’t suitable for me, or vice versa. I wasn’t eager to become a parent, either. I never explicitly stated that I didn’t want kids, but I wasn’t driven by a desire to start a family.
As I entered my 30s, doubts about spending my life alone crept in, which wasn’t my wish. Still, I dated with hopes of love and marriage. Then I met my ex-husband, whom I’ll refer to as Tom. I was financially secure and sought a partner who shared that stability. Tom was a decent person, and after a year of dating, I convinced myself I loved him. We built a seemingly good life together, but I overlooked significant signs that our marriage was destined to fail.
Differences in Values
One major issue was our differing perspectives on race and politics. I’m a Black woman with liberal values, while Tom is a white man and a Republican. I have friends who identify as moderate Republicans, individuals who are informed and respectful. However, Tom often quoted conservative figures like Larry Elder, which troubled me. I tried to explain why I found such views harmful, especially when it came to the struggles of marginalized communities. But he simply didn’t grasp my standpoint, and I dismissed these crucial conversations as unimportant.
Race issues surfaced repeatedly. When the tragic events surrounding Michael Brown occurred, Tom questioned why he didn’t just comply with the police. I felt compelled to explain the historical context of policing and the inherent risks that Black individuals face. Yet, his response was dismissive, leading to frustration and disconnection. I chose to ignore these differences and stayed in the relationship.
Other Disparities
We had other disparities that should have raised red flags. For instance, I’m an excellent cook, while Tom couldn’t even boil water. I knew some couples might be fine with this, but I wasn’t. When I asked him to help in the kitchen, he would half-heartedly attempt to follow directions, often yielding disastrous results. Eventually, I just took over the cooking entirely, which I suspected was his plan all along.
In my mid-30s, I began to travel solo, aiming for annual adventures. After marrying Tom, I brought up the idea of traveling together, but he claimed we couldn’t afford it, which wasn’t true. When I asked about traveling outside the U.S., he insisted there were plenty of places domestically he wanted to explore first. However, we never went anywhere in almost eight years of marriage; my dream of travel was left unfulfilled until after we divorced.
Intimacy Issues
Our intimate life was another significant issue. Before meeting Tom, I had a rich and satisfying sexual history. However, Tom lacked experience and wasn’t adventurous, resulting in a monotonous sexual routine. Despite discussions about our preferences, the lack of intimacy reflected deeper communication issues. I eventually stopped having sex with him in the last two years of our marriage, opting for a vibrator instead.
Family Dynamics
Another warning sign was Tom’s relationship with his mother. While not a terrible person, she had been neglectful. He recounted stories of being left alone as a toddler while she socialized, and this history created complex feelings in him. I felt protective of him but also questioned his ability to address these unresolved issues.
The Deal-Breaker
Ultimately, the racism was the deal-breaker. I couldn’t overlook the fact that he didn’t believe in the existence of racism. If he dismissed my experiences and the pain I faced, where would that leave us? The stories I shared about racial injustices meant nothing to him. I had to acknowledge that he didn’t support me in any meaningful way.
Lack of intimacy would have led me to end the marriage eventually, as it highlighted deeper issues. We struggled to communicate effectively, and the lack of connection made me feel unsupported, unheard, and unloved. In retrospect, it’s clear that we didn’t truly love each other, which is a fundamental deal-breaker.
Resources for Navigating Similar Challenges
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Conclusion
In summary, waiting until my 40s to marry didn’t lead to the happiness I sought. Differences in values, lack of communication, and unresolved issues ultimately resulted in divorce. Recognizing the importance of mutual support and understanding is crucial for any relationship.