I noticed how you quickly changed the topic when discussions of Valentine’s Day came up. I observed how you subtly shifted away from your husband’s embrace the moment I entered the room. I realized you’ve stopped sharing your marital struggles with me altogether.
Divorce sends out a surprising number of ripples that extend far beyond the loss of a significant person in your life. There’s the loss of financial stability, uncertainty about the future, and confusion about one’s identity. This isn’t what I envisioned for my life.
One unexpected consequence was the shift in my friendships. I never anticipated that our bond would feel subtly altered, leaving me feeling like an outsider among other moms—like there’s an unspoken rule that I must have a partner to feel included. I didn’t foresee being pitied or becoming the subject of gossip or anxiety.
Years ago, I had a close friend who had just gone through a divorce. We discussed everything—children, intimacy, finances, spirituality. Yet, the one subject we never addressed was my own marriage, specifically its issues. I avoided it not to burden her but because I feared it would reflect back on me. I worried that her experiences might sway me toward divorce, as if being around her could somehow make me catch that “disease.”
Now that I’m on the other side of divorce, I want to express this to my friends: I understand. I grasp the hesitance, the discomfort, the tendency to withhold. I don’t expect you to revert to how things were, just as I won’t revert to who I once was.
But please know this: I don’t want you to join my “club.” I genuinely wish for your marriage to thrive. I want you to find happiness, health, and grow old alongside your partner. If you confide in me, I promise to keep your secrets safe. I won’t offer divorce advice; I might suggest seeking happiness or establishing boundaries, but that’s for everyone, not just those contemplating divorce. I will support you and hope for your marriage to flourish.
I want my experience to strengthen your relationship. Let my journey serve as a cautionary tale, prompting you to seek help before things reach a breaking point. If there are issues brewing, attend to them now rather than waiting until it’s too late. If your relationship is solid, let my divorce inspire you to nurture your bond, appreciate those small acts of kindness, and cherish the moments you have together.
If it’s challenging to talk to me, or if you feel the need to hold back parts of yourself when we’re together, please don’t worry. I’ll manage. The spaces around me are filling with new connections.
I recently reconnected with an old friend who had distanced herself because my seemingly perfect marriage made her feel isolated from her own struggles. With my divorce, she reached out, hoping I could relate to her pain and offer hope for finding freedom and joy beyond it.
If I hadn’t gone through this, I might never have realized how she was suffering. My divorce has opened the door for empathy and strength that I can share.
So, married friends, if you can’t be present with me right now or feel the need to keep your distance, know that I harbor no resentment. Despite the chaos, something positive is emerging from this experience, something I never anticipated. It may not be the same, and certainly not what I had hoped for, but in its own way, it’s even better.
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Summary
In this reflection, a newly divorced woman expresses her desire for her married friends to treat her as they always have. She acknowledges the complexities and discomfort that divorce brings to friendships, emphasizing her understanding and support for their marriages. Rather than wanting them to join her experience, she hopes her journey can help strengthen their relationships. The article highlights the importance of open communication and empathy in maintaining friendships during significant life changes.