As a child, I was captivated by tales of Laura Ingalls Wilder and her journeys across the Minnesota prairies. I eagerly read her books and enjoyed the television series that depicted a charming, bucktoothed girl with braids frolicking beside Plum Creek. I longed to be that girl, fishing after school, and I envied their covered wagon adventures.
However, there’s a massive difference between watching a show about a pioneer girl and actually attempting to live like one today—especially with modern luxuries like air conditioning and indoor plumbing. The reality? Camping is a nightmare.
And camping with kids? Even worse.
Honestly, I can’t fathom why anyone would willingly gather their belongings, trek to the woods, unpack, and live like cavemen for several days. I don’t know about you, but I’m not thrilled at the idea of a flimsy piece of nylon as the only barrier between me, my children, and a roaming grizzly bear.
I truly despise camping.
Yet, my family adores it, and therein lies my dilemma. My husband and kids rave about the magic of waking up to a sunrise over a lake. They talk about “disconnecting” and how close to nature they feel, akin to Snow White. They even wax poetic about how much better hot dogs taste when roasted over a fire that took ages to start because no one thought to bring matches.
I suspect their love for camping stems from the fact that I handle all the preparations to ensure we don’t end up foraging for goji berries and tree bark while cohabiting with Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo. My family has no clue about the meticulous planning required to pack an entire household for a trip to the middle of nowhere. They can’t possibly comprehend how many marshmallows are needed or how many baby wipes are essential to avoid hygiene issues.
Camping is utterly draining. There’s a relentless cycle of folding and unfolding. Upon arriving at the campsite, you spend what feels like an eternity figuring out how to set up the tent. After three days of sharing a confined space with your now-fragrant family, you must dismantle your temporary home, and then, of course, air out the tent when you return home to eliminate the lingering odor of sweat and smoke. In total, dealing with that infernal tent consumes a staggering amount of time—288 minutes that I will never reclaim.
Stress is another unwelcome aspect of camping. Whenever my family insists on venturing into the wild, my primary concern revolves around the bathroom situation. To be blunt, I’m a “home pooper.” Latrines are not my idea of comfort. As if battling camping-induced constipation isn’t enough, I often find myself awake at 2 a.m., weighing the urgency of my need to relieve myself. I must assess, on a scale of 1 to “I’m about to wet my sleeping bag,” how critical it is to stumble through the dark to the restroom. This kind of anxiety is not something I need in my life.
Camping is incredibly frustrating. I’ve developed a theory that manufacturers of air mattresses strategically create tiny holes in every product they sell. It seems that air mattress factories are filled with employees who delight in the misfortune of those who take their products into the wilderness. I’ve yet to purchase an air mattress that doesn’t deflate, and I refuse to entertain the notion of sleeping on the ground under the stars. If I’m confined to a nylon shelter, I want to be comfortable, not suffering with rocks digging into my back.
Kudos to those who genuinely enjoy camping—I am simply not one of them. I make no apologies for disliking the smell of campfire in my hair for days or the inconvenience of cooking with miniature grills and utensils. And unless “camping” involves a luxury bus parked conveniently near a Starbucks with reliable Wi-Fi, you won’t catch me strumming my guitar and singing Kumbaya at the next campsite.
So, family, you’re on your own. Because camping is an absolute nightmare.
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Summary:
Camping can be a challenging and frustrating experience, especially when it involves children. It requires significant preparation and can lead to stress over basic necessities like bathrooms. While some people enjoy the outdoors, many find it exhausting and inconvenient, preferring the comforts of home.