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Parenting
By Dr. Emily Hartman
Updated: June 3, 2020
Originally Published: April 14, 2018
Today isn’t shaping up well for my family’s reputation. At the indoor play area, one of my children is pushing her way into line for the slide, while the other snatches a toy from her sister’s grasp, seemingly unaware of the protests erupting from her sibling. Enter the pediatrician mom, who understands child development but is faced with the stark reality that, at this moment, my kids are acting quite unkindly. Thus begins my recommitment to the notion that while perfectly behaved children are overrated and unrealistic, it’s still my responsibility to guide them to avoid a lifetime of selfishness.
For me and my children, steering clear of rudeness involves using their unkind or selfish actions as teachable moments. However, my approach—firm yet loving, with high expectations and consistent consequences—often elicits surprise and criticism from other parents, depending on the social context.
This may stem from the broader cultural struggle we face in determining our parenting styles. There’s a prevailing conversation about allowing children to resolve their own conflicts, advocating for a more hands-off approach. While I agree that overbearing, “helicopter” parenting is problematic, I firmly believe we cannot allow our children to run wild, oblivious to the feelings and needs of others.
On the other hand, overly permissive parenting—characterized by excessive responsiveness and a lack of rules—has significant downsides as well. Just as the narrative of “Lord of the Flies” illustrates the chaos that can ensue without structure, a group of children with a “me-first” mentality will not thrive if left to their own devices. I appreciate that many parents feel their children are perfect, but in my experience, most kids need clear guidelines and boundaries.
Can parents sometimes go overboard with rules? Yes, and being overly involved in every conflict can hinder a child’s ability to navigate social situations independently. However, I maintain that it’s not only our right but our responsibility to clearly set and consistently uphold values like compassion and kindness.
Setting boundaries doesn’t preclude the use of Positive Parenting techniques in my “I will not let you become rude” strategy. Understanding the underlying causes of behavior—whether hunger or fatigue—guiding children to make good choices, and offering realistic expectations beforehand are all effective methods for establishing and maintaining boundaries. Tracy Cutchlow discusses these parenting techniques in her insightful book, “Zero to Five.”
As a pediatrician, I observe my colleagues working tirelessly to help parents find balance. They encourage parents to embrace their role, giving them the confidence to set limits, boundaries, and consequences.
I am certainly not a flawless parent; I reflect on my decisions with a mix of pride and regret. It can be particularly challenging to create structure for a more sensitive or spirited child. Some children, based on their temperament, require more redirection and firm boundaries than others. Just as overly strict (authoritarian) parenting often leads to negative outcomes, permissive parenting also fails to provide children with essential skills. A bridge without rails can be perilous, and the same goes for a life devoid of the security that structure provides.
I’m diligently working to ensure my kids don’t become rude, even while recognizing that they will inevitably exhibit selfishness from time to time. It’s a natural instinct, and combined with their limited self-regulation skills and sensitivity to hunger or fatigue, it can feel like an uphill battle. Yet, investing in their development now pays off; their future friends, partners, and employers will greatly benefit from the lessons we instill today. For more insights on parenting, check out our post on home insemination, which offers valuable information about navigating complex family dynamics.
In summary, my approach to parenting emphasizes the importance of setting clear expectations and guiding children towards kindness and compassion while remaining open to the realities of their development.