Recently, I found myself at the grocery store with my mother and my children. My two youngest, Lily and Emma, were nestled in the cart, while my oldest, Noah, trailed beside us wearing his favorite gaming hoodie. It was the first time my mom had come to visit since we relocated to Oregon nearly two years ago, and grocery shopping together felt like a rare occasion.
As we navigated the produce aisle, I noticed my mother seemed a bit apprehensive. I couldn’t pinpoint if it was due to my role as the primary shopper or the fact that I had all three kids with me. My mother, a product of the Baby Boomer generation, had been married to traditional men who focused on work outside the home, leaving household responsibilities to their partners.
After we filled our cart with fresh fruits and vegetables, she finally inquired, “Do you typically handle the shopping?”
I paused, considering my response. “Yes, usually. It depends on availability, though.”
She tilted her head, looking puzzled. “And do you always bring the kids along?”
“Pretty much,” I replied. “Sometimes we split up tasks, depending on what needs to be done.”
Her laughter was tinged with disbelief. “I just don’t know where you learned this from.”
In that moment, I hesitated. I wanted to express that I identify as a feminist. My partner, Mia, and I reject traditional gender roles, collaborating as equals in our household. We have exchanged responsibilities based on skill and availability; I often do laundry because I can fit it in on Saturdays, while she manages our finances, as she excels with numbers. In the past, I was a stay-at-home dad while she worked, and during her college years, I was the one bringing in the income.
This division of labor isn’t about who is superior; it’s about teamwork in the most important venture of all—raising our family. Through this shared effort, we have developed a deep trust and love for one another, contrasting with the rigid expectations I observed in my parents’ marriage.
However, I understood that to my mother, feminism might evoke images of radical protests and discontent rather than a balanced approach to partnership. So, I refrained from using the term and instead highlighted the advantages of my approach.
“I must have picked it up along the way,” I said. “But it’s been pretty fulfilling.” I shared how involved I am with my kids’ lives, knowing their likes and dislikes. I engage them in conversations while doing laundry and teach them practical skills, from lawn care to chores in the kitchen. I genuinely feel a closeness to them that I doubt my father ever had with me.
“The best part is the time I get to spend with them,” I added.
“How does Mia feel about it?” my mom asked.
I pondered her question and replied, “I think she appreciates it. We discuss everything as equals; we don’t assign tasks based on gender but rather who can do it best. It has brought us closer together, and I believe she values having an equal say, just as I do. But you don’t need to take my word for it; you could always ask her.”
My mother shrugged, likely not planning to ask. Yet, as we stood in line, she surprised me by saying, “I just don’t get it. Your brother is similar, but I suppose I would have enjoyed more help when I was a mother.”
I smiled, and as we loaded the groceries into the car, she remarked, “It seems you’re a good father.”
“Sounds like you’re becoming a feminist, Mom,” I joked.
With an exaggerated eye roll, she replied, “Don’t start with that nonsense.”
I laughed, “Never.”
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Summary
Embracing equal partnership in parenting enables deeper connections and fosters teamwork within the family. By rejecting traditional gender roles, fathers can enjoy a more active role in their children’s lives, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling family dynamic.