Recently, I stumbled upon a captivating post from a friend on social media. It featured a close-up of a crystal-clear glass brimming with a rich red wine, sitting on her sleek granite countertop. The wine appeared to glow, inviting and indulgent.
As I gazed at the image, my mouth watered. I could almost taste the wine, likely a quality Italian vintage, knowing my friend is a skilled chef and culinary enthusiast. After a long day of balancing work responsibilities and the intricacies of an event I’m organizing—coupled with a lack of sleep and a husband away on business—I felt an urge for that glass of wine. I imagined my friend also had a demanding day, juggling her three lively children, volunteering, teaching cooking classes, and never missing a chance to advocate for causes she believes in. Her caption simply read: “Deserved.”
That one word caught me off guard. While I couldn’t dispute the sentiment, it stirred something within me. Why must we associate our pleasures with the notion of deserving? Why do women often feel the need to earn our little luxuries? Why do we feel compelled to justify our desire for a glass of wine to the world?
I understand my friend was merely sharing her well-earned moment of relaxation. I admire her strength and activism, and I know she wouldn’t use a word that undermines her feminist beliefs. Yet, the implication of “deserved” resonated differently with me.
Women have been socialized to believe what we deserve and what we do not. If a woman wears a short skirt, she might be told she deserves harassment. Equal pay seems elusive, with many women still fighting for the same wages as men. After a year of dating, societal norms dictate that a woman deserves a ring. And so often, women are subjected to unfair treatment, with the expectation that we must earn the good things in life through hard work.
Conversely, many women express gratitude for the chance to take personal time, thanking their partners for “allowing” them to go to the gym or get a haircut. Framing personal time as something we must earn or be indebted for perpetuates gender inequality. We often discuss basic human desires—like taking a shower or enjoying an uninterrupted meal—as rare treats rather than fundamental rights.
When we finally indulge in those small pleasures, we classify it as “self-care.” Activities like showering, eating, or having a moment alone are framed as acts of self-care, which shifts the responsibility back onto us. We must care for ourselves and others but only when we feel we have “earned” it.
I rarely see men posting about their leisure time, labeling it as “deserved” or using hashtags like #selfcare. Their updates often showcase achievements or adventures without any need for justification. The narrative is different for women; we feel the need to validate our choices.
Why is it wrong for a woman to enjoy a glass of wine simply because she wants to? Is it unacceptable for a tired mom (or a well-rested one) to take a moment for herself without feeling the need to justify it? Must we earn every moment of peace, every girls’ night, or every chance to sleep in on a Sunday?
The term “deserved” feels burdensome. What we truly deserve are equal opportunities, fair maternity leave, and access to reliable childcare. We deserve quality healthcare, autonomy over our bodies, and the right to walk without fear of assault. Respect is something we should receive irrespective of our roles, whether we’re caring for families or managing companies. And yes, we absolutely deserve a glass of wine whenever we choose—not because we earned it, but simply because we are worth it.
Let’s remember this truth: we are enough, and we do not need to justify our wants or needs.
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In summary, women should embrace their desires without feeling the need to justify them. The societal constructs around deserving need to shift, allowing us the freedom to enjoy life’s pleasures on our own terms.