At the age of 36, married and navigating the complexities of family planning, I found myself facing an unthinkable situation earlier this year: I underwent an abortion. This experience has been, without question, the most challenging ordeal of my life. Nevertheless, I hold a firm belief that Roe v. Wade must remain legal.
The recent political climate, particularly concerning the appointment of new Supreme Court justices, has left me feeling anxious about what lies ahead for women’s reproductive rights. Throughout my life, I have stood firmly in support of pro-choice principles. It is crucial to note that being pro-choice does not equate to being pro-abortion; rather, it reflects the understanding that no one wishes to undergo such a procedure. My desire for an abortion was not born out of choice, but I am profoundly grateful for the access I had when faced with a dire situation.
I have opted to share my story anonymously. This choice is not born from shame but rather from a desire to avoid the inevitable backlash from those who would label me a “baby killer.” To those who may judge, I acknowledge that the decision to terminate my pregnancy was immensely heartbreaking and traumatic. The emotional toll of the experience is beyond words.
My Journey to Parenthood
To provide some context, my husband and I spent seven and a half years together before we began trying to conceive. In a span of nine months, I experienced two devastating miscarriages—one at 11 weeks, after having seen and heard the heartbeat, and another just shy of seven weeks. The pain of losing these pregnancies was overwhelming; at times, I could not bear to move, collapsing to my hands and knees in anguish.
After my second miscarriage, I learned through a blood test that I have a balanced translocation, a chromosomal condition that increases the risk of miscarriage. Determined to become parents, my husband and I decided to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF), allowing us to test embryos for chromosomal abnormalities prior to implantation. On our first attempt, I became pregnant for the third time, at the age of 36.
This pregnancy initially appeared to be progressing normally. I was frequently nauseous, but I welcomed the discomfort, thrilled to reach the second trimester—an achievement I had longed for. We announced the joyful news to family and friends, full of hope, until our 20-week anatomy scan revealed a diagnosis that shattered our dreams. The fetus had Thanatophoric Dysplasia, a lethal genetic mutation with no chance of survival outside the womb. A second opinion confirmed the diagnosis, and we were faced with the heartbreaking necessity of terminating the pregnancy.
The Emotional Toll of Termination
The term “terminating a pregnancy” is a euphemism that softens the reality of what must occur to end a pregnancy. In the days following this diagnosis, I found myself enveloped in despair, often lying in a dark room, cradling my belly as I wept. The most excruciating part was knowing that I would have to stop the heartbeat of the fetus. Unlike miscarriages, where the body naturally ends the pregnancy, I was now in a position to make that decision myself. Guilt consumed me; I worried that the fetus would not understand why I had to take this step.
My parents reassured me that I was conflating fetal movement with cognition—reminding me that the fetus had no awareness of the situation. They emphasized that my decision stemmed from compassion and love, as there was no future for the baby. In my heart, I understood this truth, yet the emotional pain was overwhelming. I was saying goodbye to a dream, to a child I had longed for, and who needed me to let go.
Navigating Abortion in Texas
Living in Texas, a state notorious for its restrictive abortion laws, I was acutely aware of the challenges ahead. With a 20-week abortion ban in place, timing became critical. I found out about the diagnosis at exactly 20 weeks, and we received the second opinion just three days later. The hospital associated with my OB-GYN refused to perform abortions, forcing us to seek care at a private clinic. We chose this route because we wanted the fetal tissue to be tested, a service not provided by Planned Parenthood.
Texas law imposed additional burdens on the abortion process. When I called to schedule my appointment, I learned about a mandatory 24-hour waiting period. On the first day of what would become a three-day ordeal, I was required to undergo an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat, a process that inflicted further emotional distress. The reality of my situation remained unchanged; it felt like cruel punishment for an already grieving woman.
Ultimately, it took three days to complete the process, and I was left wondering what might have happened had my anatomy scan occurred just a week later. Had I been too far along, I would have faced even greater obstacles. While I could have traveled to a state with more favorable abortion laws, such as California, this option was only available because of my financial situation. Many women lack such resources, and the high cost of an abortion—over $3,000—remains prohibitive for countless individuals. My insurance did not cover the procedure, highlighting the disparities in access to reproductive healthcare.
Looking Ahead
In the aftermath of my experience, I felt compelled to support organizations like Planned Parenthood, which strive to provide essential services to women in need. However, I am apprehensive about the future of reproductive rights, particularly if Roe v. Wade is overturned or severely restricted. This prospect is alarming.
As judicial reviews for new Supreme Court justices approach, I find myself questioning the future of my rights and the rights of other women. I am preparing to try for a fourth pregnancy, clinging to hope while grappling with the reality that unforeseen complications can arise at any moment. What happens if Texas enacts an abortion ban? What about women who cannot afford to seek care out of state?
Abortion is an intensely personal and traumatic experience, regardless of the rhetoric espoused by anti-choice politicians. A significant majority of the population opposes overturning Roe v. Wade—so why are a diminishing minority allowed to dictate the course of my life and body? As we navigate this contentious landscape, I am committed to voicing my concerns to my Senators and encourage others to do the same.
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Summary
This article reflects on the complex emotional experience of undergoing an abortion while advocating for the preservation of reproductive rights. It highlights personal struggles with miscarriage, the challenges presented by restrictive abortion laws, and the necessity for accessible healthcare. The author emphasizes the importance of supporting reproductive rights and encourages readers to engage with their representatives.