Parenting
Trigger warning: miscarriage
January 28, 2023, marked the day I received a positive pregnancy test — a moment of pure joy. We followed all the right steps: a pre-conception checkup, vitamins, maintaining a healthy diet, and exercising. We even meticulously charted and used ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) to maximize our chances.
And guess what? It worked! I was completely taken aback, more surprised than I had ever felt, as it happened so quickly—within the first month—and my pregnancy test showed a positive result very early at just over three weeks. My initial shock swiftly transformed into excitement, and I shared the news with my 8-year-old daughter, Lily, who cried tears of happiness that I will never forget. We were overjoyed to learn that our little one was due on October 13.
We decided to keep the news under wraps for a bit, waiting until the end of the first trimester to share. Those next few weeks felt magical, especially as Lily began planning for her new sibling. She imagined dressing them up and taking them for rides, although I felt deep down that we were having a boy.
Then everything changed. On February 18, while at work, I noticed some spotting. People around me reassured me, saying it was normal, but I sensed something was wrong. The following day, I visited the doctor for blood tests to check my HCG levels, and the results were heartbreaking: my numbers weren’t increasing as they should. Later that day, the spotting intensified, prompting me to call my doctor, who advised visiting the ER.
In the ER, we learned our baby had a faint heartbeat of 110 beats per minute. For a moment, we felt a flicker of hope. However, later tests revealed my hormone levels had dropped, shattering our fragile optimism. I worked from home the next day, and the spotting slowed, briefly renewing my hope. But soon, the bleeding worsened, leading to frantic conversations with my doctor and ultimately to a trip to Target for supplies no one wants to buy.
The following morning brought further heartache. At our appointment, we faced the reality of our situation: our baby’s heartbeat was weak and slowing, and the sac was shrinking. Our doctor, who showed immense compassion, explained that this was not our fault and outlined what to expect in the coming weeks.
Devastated, I grappled with the unfairness of it all. We had done everything right, yet here we were. We scheduled a follow-up ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage, hoping for an empty uterus and declining hormone levels. The emotional toll was immense; I oscillated between sadness, anger, and an indescribable numbness. The weekend allowed me time to grieve, but I felt overwhelmed. Friends expressed their condolences, but some comments stung—like those asking when we would try again.
Amidst this turmoil, I faced the harsh realities of miscarriage—things no one prepares you for. The next doctor visit confirmed what I feared: an empty, “unremarkable” uterus, marking an end to this chapter but not a fresh start for me yet. I know I will heal over time, but for now, I’m navigating this loss one day at a time.
Every loss is significant, not merely a “miscarriage.” Even at just seven weeks, this baby was ours, and we were eagerly anticipating their arrival.
To those who have supported me, including my therapist, coworkers, and my partner, I am grateful. I trust that one day my emotions will balance out, but for now, it’s okay to take things slowly. Remember, if you want to learn more about artificial insemination, you can explore this excellent resource on Wikipedia, or read about home insemination on this blog.
In summary, miscarriage is a profound loss that deserves recognition and empathy. It’s never ‘just’ a miscarriage; it’s a heartbreaking experience that impacts many families.