My 5-year-old has taken to making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. While I sometimes need to assist him by opening the peanut butter jar, he knows to bring it to me, whether I’m busy with writing, laundry, or reading. He handles the knife, the bread, and the plate all by himself; he spreads the jelly and peanut butter, and when he’s done, he puts everything away—though if he forgets, he certainly hears about it. And he takes pride in this accomplishment, declaring, “I can make my own lunch!”
My 9-year-old does the same with my morning coffee. He eagerly asks to pour and mix it, or even reheat it, which signifies that I trust him with the cream, the microwave, and the hot coffee pot. This sense of independence is important to him, and it fills him with pride.
I engage in typical parenting activities: shuttling my kids—ages 5, 7, and 9—to playdates, driving them to practices, and homeschooling them. I do the laundry and ensure they complete their chores. I even drag them to the store for essentials like dog food and toilet paper. However, I avoid the role of entertainer. I often encourage them to prepare their own meals, I don’t dress them, and I don’t intervene in their disputes unless they escalate. I help them with minor injuries, but they’re responsible for retrieving their own Band-Aids (and I only assist in applying them).
Some may label this approach as lazy or as parenting through benign neglect, but I believe it has contributed to my children’s happiness and self-sufficiency.
When my kids wake up, I ask what they want for breakfast. If it’s possible, they help themselves. For example, when we keep cereal on top of the fridge, I assist by pouring Cheerios into bowls and adding milk, then I call out, “Your cereal’s on the counter!” They gather their spoons and transport their meals to the table without spilling—if they do spill, they know to clean it up themselves. After eating, they scrape their bowls and take them to the sink.
While I focus on my tasks, like laundry or lesson planning, my children are learning valuable skills. They can pour their own cereal and milk, and if the youngest struggles, his brothers step in to help. They take pride in their accomplishments and are eager to share their independence.
Collaboration is crucial in our household. If there’s a job that needs doing, everyone pitches in, as no one wants to appear lazy in front of their siblings. Whether it’s assisting with a squirt gun or helping find a lost Lego frog, they know to rely on each other rather than coming to me. I won’t be getting on my hands and knees to search for tiny toys; that’s their responsibility.
When they’re hungry between meals, they know where to find snacks. Whether it’s peanut butter, jelly, or other goodies, they don’t wait for me to be available to serve them. My children have the autonomy to decide when and how much they eat, which is particularly important as we manage their medication that affects their appetites.
At the grocery store, my 9-year-old often suggests items like muffins and deli meats, knowing they can prepare their own sandwiches. I plan to teach my oldest to heat frozen vegetables next because he is capable of it and deserves that level of independence.
Conflict resolution is another skill they must develop. When they come to me with disputes, I encourage them to resolve it themselves, stepping in only when necessary. They need to learn how to communicate and collaborate to find solutions.
Most importantly, I do not entertain my children. While I might join in on the occasional board game or craft, I don’t plan activities for them. I simply open the back door and tell them to play outside. They engage in imaginative games, dig holes, and swing without needing my supervision. They are content to be outside until dark, and they rarely ask for me to manage their playtime.
My children are genuinely happy. We share hugs, go on family adventures, and enjoy quality time together. They read to one another, and it warms my heart when I hear my middle son bought a Lego minifigure for his siblings with his own money—an act of kindness that brought tears to my eyes.
You might think I’m being negligent or lazy, but I am caring for them in a way that fosters independence and self-reliance. In a world where children are often overly sheltered, I want mine to learn essential life skills.
I recently observed my middle son climbing on the counter to grab a plate, and it brought a smile to my face. Though some might criticize this behavior, I see it as resourceful and clever. He was exercising his independence safely, and I couldn’t be prouder.
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In summary, my approach to parenting, which some may call benign neglect, has cultivated independence in my children. They take pride in their abilities, support one another, and are genuinely happy. In a world that often leans towards overprotection, I believe instilling self-reliance is essential for their development.