A few weeks ago, I found myself in a heart-wrenching situation when I had to sign a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order for my mother. My heart shattered as I gave the hospital permission to let her pass away. It was an official acknowledgment of letting go—one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Even knowing it was her wish, the weight of that decision felt unbearable. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil for those who haven’t discussed their loved ones’ end-of-life preferences. The agonizing dilemma of choosing whether to sign a DNR, only to question if it was the right choice, or refraining and potentially causing more pain, is unimaginable.
That was just one of the many difficult decisions I faced as my mother entered hospice care. I also had to decide against placing a feeding tube when she hadn’t eaten in two days. The choice was to either prolong her dying process or allow nature to take its course.
One silver lining in this painful experience was that we had a candid conversation a few months earlier. After her initial cancer diagnosis, we sat down at a restaurant and had an emotional discussion, as advised by her doctor. The directive was clear: “Discuss your end-of-life wishes now so she doesn’t carry the burden of guessing during a tough time.”
End-of-life wishes—a delicate way of asking, how would you prefer to die? My mother shared her reluctance to endure a prolonged battle like her sister had. She didn’t want to extend suffering, which made my later decision easier, albeit still gut-wrenching.
When the time came to sign the DNR, my mother was mostly unresponsive, lost in a haze of delirium. She could no longer communicate her pain, and with her liver failing, I faced the choice to either prolong her suffering or let death unfold naturally. It was a clear decision for me, yet still emotionally taxing. While I prayed for a miracle, I understood that miracles often come in forms we don’t always recognize. My mother was nearing the end, and regardless of any medical interventions, she would still pass away.
Although we had a deep conversation, many crucial details were left unaddressed. I knew she wanted to be revived if she were otherwise healthy, and that she didn’t wish for resuscitation in dire circumstances. However, I was unaware of her preferences regarding a feeding tube, her will’s location, or her funeral arrangements. Did she prefer burial or cremation? And if burial was her choice, where would she want to rest?
This experience has compelled me to urge you to have these tough conversations now. Speak to your parents, siblings, or loved ones, no matter their age or health status—my mom seemed perfectly healthy at 50. It may feel grim or uncomfortable, but you’ll be grateful you did.
This isn’t just about your family; it’s about you as well. What are your wishes? Have you shared them? Grant your loved ones the peace of knowing your desires, alleviating one burden from their grief.
So pick up the phone and start the conversation. Reach out and say, “I came across something online and would like to ask you a few questions.” Just get it done.
By preparing for these discussions, you can avoid the added stress of not knowing when you’re already heartbroken. Familiarizing yourself with Advance Health Care Directives can help guide these talks, and you can find a great resource for this topic at Everplans.
Death is inevitable, and it will always be painful. However, knowing my mother’s wishes allowed me to grieve her loss without the weight of difficult medical decisions on my shoulders. Even though cancer took her away too soon, I could give her the gift of a dignified farewell.