It’s time to reconsider how we talk about children’s friendships. Adults often make comments that can lead to unnecessary awkwardness and, in some cases, emotional harm. When I point this out, whether to family or strangers, I sometimes get labeled the “bad guy.” For instance, I don’t appreciate a cashier telling my son that girls would envy his long eyelashes. And no, random person at the gas station, my lovely daughter is not a heartbreaker; I’m certainly not going to keep her confined. As for you, Uncle Joe, my 8-year-old daughter and her male friend are simply that—friends. Marriage is the last thing on their minds at this age.
People frequently impose gender norms on children. For example, long eyelashes don’t belong solely to girls, just as short hair doesn’t exclusively belong to boys. It’s unfair to assign blame to a child for someone else’s feelings, particularly when it comes to unrequited admiration. If someone feels heartbroken, it’s not the child’s responsibility to alter their behavior or to hide from potential admirers. Yet, many adults view cross-gender friendships through a lens of heteronormativity, assuming these relationships must be romantic.
Rethinking Labels
Let’s stop asking young children if their friends are their ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend.’ This assumption not only limits the understanding of gender to just male and female, but it also overlooks the identities of children who may identify as nonbinary or gender fluid. Moreover, imposing a romantic label on friendships between different-gender kids reinforces the notion that heterosexual relationships are the default or “normal” way to love.
When I was in elementary school, I was aware that I was different. I knew my sexual orientation but also understood that it was not accepted. So, I kept my feelings hidden, especially during events like Valentine’s Day, where the expectation was that my crush had to be a boy. The casual questioning about whether my male friends were more than just friends made me uncomfortable. They were like brothers to me, not romantic interests.
Children and Romance
Children often find the concept of romance—especially anything not related to family—embarrassing. They should not have to endure teasing or judgment for having friends of another gender. Adults should refrain from projecting adult concepts of love onto children’s innocent friendships.
I’m grateful my children have diverse social circles. While two of my kids easily connect with others, my third struggles in larger groups; she prefers one-on-one interactions. My role as a parent is to guide them in forming healthy relationships, emphasizing inclusivity and acceptance. They understand that friendships should not be dismissed based on gender, race, or any other characteristic. Adults should also learn not to view these relationships through a romantic lens.
The Importance of Supportive Friendships
Kids need supportive friends, regardless of gender. They don’t require adults to make inappropriate jokes about prom or marriage.
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Conclusion
In summary, let’s allow children to enjoy their friendships without unnecessary labels or assumptions. Their relationships should be celebrated for their innocence and authenticity, free from adult expectations.